


what it all comes down to (is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet)

by Boj



Category: Mean Girls (2004), Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: F/F, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-05-07 06:42:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14665467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boj/pseuds/Boj
Summary: Janis decides things need to change, for better or for worse; who she'll drag down with her is up to her.





	1. i care but i'm restless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morissette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just a heads up, this chapter contains brief mentions of underage drinking and vomiting)

Janis scrolled through Twitter as Damian pulled over to the curb, gravel crunching underneath the tires. She could hear the music from party outside, the bass thumping through the open door and windows. 

"I can't believe it, she said she was going to be out of down this weekend," she complained, as Damian looked out the window.<

"Maybe it's not even Cady's party?" He questioned hopefully, as they both watched a few tipsy partygoers stumble out into the yard. 

“Damian, this is literally _her_ house. Besides, haven't you seen Twitter lately? Everyone's talking about how 'amazing' the new girl's party is," Janis snapped back, annoyance starting to creep into her voice.

They sat like that for a few moments, listening to the incessant noise of the party before Damian spoke again, “well, at least your gallery was cool.”

Janis momentarily stopped tapping her way through the Snapchat stories filled with videos of high schoolers shot gunning their dads’ beers, “what?”

“I said at least your art was cool, that’s something good, right?”

“Oh yeah, I guess,” she sighed, toying with her necklace, deciding not to bring up the fact that only Damian had come with. 

— — —

“So, are we going in?”

“Should we? I feel like she’s bound to come outside and throw up in a bush or something,” Janis quipped, giving a dry laugh.

And if as on cue, Cady appeared in the doorway, as Aaron headed past them to his car, letterman jacket in hand as he slammed his door shut and sped off.

Janis leaned out the window, her voice carrying across the lawn, "so Cady, tell us, how does it feel to be a dirty little liar?"

Cady scanned the driveway, looking for the sound of Janis's voice. When she spotted Damian's car she headed towards them, stumbling in her high heels. "Janis, I can explain, I jus-"

"You're just what? Having an amazing time with all of your amazing friends?” Janis sneered, pulling her jacket around her tighter.

"It's not my fault I couldn't invite you, you're the one that told me to act like I don't know you," Cady reasoned, crossing her arms over her chest.

“There’s a big difference between acting like a Plastic and being plastic,” Janis argued, her voice growing colder, “you know what you are Cady? Plastic. Real cold hard plastic."

"Janis, I can’t spend every second with you!” 

“And I’m not asking you too! You could’ve at least invited your real friends to your party!’

“No, god Janis, just forget about it!” Cady cried, attracting stares from the partygoers outside.

“Oh, I get it, we’re not even your real friends anymore,” Janis bit back, her voice seething with sarcasm, “did you hear that Damian? Cady’s abandoning us so she can be the next Regina lookalike, does’t that just sound so _fucking_ fun?”

Cady pulled at her her hair before she spoke, pulling a few strands loose from her high ponytail, “honestly Janis, it’s not my fault you’re like in love with me or something!”

“What the hell Cady?” Janis sat stunned, because all of a sudden she’s back in eighth grade all over again, and she’s scrubbing “dyke” off of her locker, and she’s standing in front of her mom on the phone, and she’s eating lunch alone, and she’s crying herself to sleep and she’s—she’s here, sitting in Damian’s car, yelling at someone who she thought was her friend and trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

“Whatever," she snapped, tossing her painting at Cady, "here, you can have it, it won a prize. "

"Wait, I-“

Janis rolled up her window and bite her lip hard, the taste of blood and red wine from the art gallery filling her mouth.

"I want my pink shirt back," Damian complained softly, watching as Cady stood on the curb, painting in hand.

"Can we just go? Please."

As they sped away, Janis listened as the music from the party faded away, replaced by Damian's rambling, normally a comfort to her, but not this time.

"Did I tell you what happened in rehearsal on Thursday? Jack Evans dropped one of the props and..."

— — —

Damian's talking faded into background noise as Janis replayed the conversation in her head. 

Was she really as bad as the Plastics? She had forced Cady to act like a Plastic to get revenge for something that had happened to her in eighth grade. The more she thought about it, the worse it seemed. Cady was so close to them now, it would be so easy for her tell them everything Janis had spilled to her.

And then what? Janis couldn't even think about what would happen. She had lived through hell in eighth grade, but junior year was already a different story. She dug her nails into her palms, trying to fight the panic that rose in her throat.

— — —

"...and then after he forgot his lines and came late-“

"Pull over," Janis interrupted.

"What?"

"I said pull over."

“Wait, what? Why?”

— — —

Janis found herself throwing up a glass of red wine and half of a hot pocket in a Taco Bell parking lot. It sucked. 

Her eyes watered as she blinked back tears, her throat burning with the taste of cheap wine and regret.

"Shit Jan, are you okay?" Damian asked, as she shut the door, wiping her mouth with the back of her palm.

She pulled her hair out of her face, grimacing at the strands sticky with vomit, "I'm fine."

“You sure?"

“I just, I..” she sighed, suddenly exhausted, “I just want to go home.”

"Yeah, alright, home we can do,” Damian shot her a worried look, but didn’t push any further; he just turned up the radio and drove her home.

— — —

Janis unlocked the door with the key from the mailbox, went upstairs, and fell asleep on top of her bed, fully clothed.

She woke up in the morning with a lingering aftertaste of vomit in her mouth and the need to changes things, for better or worse.

Most likely worse. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this work progresses, things will get a little bit darker, so I'll update the tags and make sure to put trigger warnings at the top. Anyway, thanks for reading, hope you like it! I'm open to comments, questions, requests, & whatever else you have, they never fail to make my day! (p.s hit me up on tumbler @jennb55!)


	2. get down, real low down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: in this chapter, topics such as eating disorders and mental health are present.

“Hey, are you going to eat that?” Damian grabbed for her lunch tray, snapping Janis out of her trance. 

She had been staring at the Plastics’ table again, watching as they sipped Diet Coke out of impossibly small cans. She was trying to understand why Cady had started tossing her hair back whenever she laughed, her sun bleached curls now pulled up into some sort of intricate updo that mirrored Regina's. 

"Janis?" 

She glanced down at her lunch tray, lukewarm fries and a soggy chicken sandwich staring back at her. Her stomach growled, but the thought of eating made it hurt even worse. "Yeah, go for it," she said, pushing the tray towards Damian. 

"Really? Thanks Jan." 

"Hmm? Oh, no problem," Janis answered, her gaze already turned back to the Plastics' table. She wondered if Cady kept replaying their conversation in her head, analyzing every meticulous detail like she did. 

The bell rang and Janis rubbed her eyes, she was exhausted and it was only Monday. Maybe she’d get another coffee. 

— — — 

“And you defrosted the lasagna I made? Just put it in the microwave for a couple of minutes once it thaws,” her mom’s instructions were tinny over the phone, and if she strained, Janis could her the wail of sirens in the background. She was probably on break, standing outside by the hospital entrance to get away from the late night rush going on inside. 

Janis balanced the phone on her shoulder as she rummaged through the fridge, finally pulling out the aluminum covered dish, “yeah, I took it out of the fridge,” 

"Good. I'll be home late tonight, I have the 3:45 shift again." 

"Yeah, I know. It's on the calendar."   


"Right. Okay, well have a good day at school if I don't see you before you go in the morning.”

"Sure Mom," Janis sighed, "bye". 

She stared at her phone after she hung up, “end call” flashing back at her. The house was quiet, something she had gotten used to, but lately it had been more noticeable. The plates clattered together as she warmed up a slice of lasagna and she jumped when the microwave beeped. She poured herself a glass of water, pulled a clean fork out of the dishwasher, and rearranged the napkins. 

(The lasagna was scraped into the sink and washed down the drain. The dirty plate left on the counter, with the fork delicately placed on top. Dinner had ended long before it had even started.) 

— — — 

Janis was sketching an outline of her newest art project on the bathroom stall when the door opened, the telltale sounds of high heels filling the room. The Plastics had arrived.

“…and calculus? Isn’t that like, a class for really smart people?” Janis was sure that was Karen. She could guess who would answer that question, but was surprised when Regina’s voice carried across the room. 

“Duh, Karen. Cady’s really smart, right Cady?” 

Janis could picture them in her head: Regina leaning up against the sink, arms crossed as Gretchen reapplied her lipstick. Cady standing next to Karen, most likely wearing some new trendy pink shirt—it was Wednesday after all.  

“Um, yeah, I guess," Cady gave a nervous giggle, so high pitched it made Janis want to cover her ears. 

“Don’t be silly Cady, of course you’re smart. And you too Regina, you’re so smart! Like the smartest!” That had to be Gretchen. 

There was a pause and then Regina spoke, "Cady?" She sounded distant, as if she was in the middle of doing something else she deemed more important. Probably putting on more makeup, Janis scoffed.

"Oh, uh, yeah that new skirt looks great on you!" 

"I know," Regina purred, a slight edge to her voice, "but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about." 

“Okay?"

Janis shifted from her spot in the stall, she had a bad feeling about this. She gripped the Sharpie tighter in her hand, her nails leaving little crescent moon indents on her palm. 

"Are you and Janis Sarkisian friends?”

Janis let out a low breath, as the weight of Regina's question settled onto her shoulders. 

"I-what?" 

“Janis, the art freak? Who hangs out with that theater boy? Are you friends?” Regina’s voice darkened, and Janis felt something twist in her stomach. 

“No…no, I’m not. Why would you say that?”

— — — 

If she held her breath long enough she could hear the sink dripping, the echo of the bathroom door shutting, and the words Cady and Regina had thrown around as if they were weightless: freak, bitchy, obsessive. 

When she exhaled she hears Damian knocking on the door before his Converse-clad feet appear underneath the stall door.

“Janis? I know you’re in there.” 

Janis let out a shaky breath, “uh, yeah, coming.” She shouldered her backpack and unlocks the door. 

Damian leaned up against the sink, doing his best to hide the worried look on his face. “Are you good? I saw the Plastics leave, they didn’t, like try to mess with you or anything?” 

“No, I got caught up finishing my drawing for art,” she held up her Sharpie as proof, watching as the worry gradually slid off of Damian’s face. 

Damian held open the door for her as they step back out into the crowded hallway, “for sure?” 

“I’m fine,” she said, a little too forcefully, more for her benefit than Damian’s. 

Because she was, she was fine. She wasn’t thirteen anymore, she was seventeen, which meant she could handle a little teenage drama and simultaneously not give a fuck about it. 

Or, at least she thinks she can. 

— — — 

Janis was hungry. She was always hungry now.  

Hungry for control, hungry for an idea to scrawl across a canvas, hungry to get rid of so many feeling she could’t quite place, hungry for the energy to wake up in the morning.    

The canvas in front of her was covered in paint, midnight black, space black and ebony. For only $33 at the art store, she had been trying to mask her feelings the best way she knew how to. The paint dripped down on the tarp covering the cement floor and the radio played late night hits in the background. She brushed a stray hair out of her face, grimacing as thick paint smeared across her cheek.

She pulled her jacket around her tighter, shivering in the late night breeze. The garage door was open, which was stupid because it was late at night and cold, but she wanted to see the sky, mostly the stars. 

She wanted to feel the chill from the dew covered grass underneath her feet, wanted to stare up at the sky and wonder what types of blues, purples, and reds made up black. She wanted to stay up so late that she forgot what it felt like to be tired and she wanted to count the cars that passed by, the headlights making drawn out shadows on the wall. She wanted the whole world to stop and slow down, if only for a second.

She wanted to stop feeling so cold all the time. She wanted so many things that sometimes it felt like the world was closing in on her and if she screamed she wasn’t sure anybody would hear her. She wasn’t sure how loud she’d have to scream if she wanted to hear herself. 

Janis needed to stop thinking about how many calories were in a half cup of baby carrots and how badly she’d fucked up. She wanted to tell somebody that wasn’t about looks or weight or any of that, it was about control. She needed something, anything she could call her own. She wanted to feel in control, for once. 

She was fine. 

That’s what she kept telling herself. 


	3. i don't know what i need, so how would you know what i need?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: eating disorders, overall mental health, mentions of vomiting & blood.  
> Chapter title from bare: the musical.

Janis felt like everyday was the same. She sat at the same lunch table, finished her homework, listened to whatever topic Damian was rambling about, and threw away her lunch.

Today it happened to be sandwich that she’d been quietly ripping up into small pieces, and an apple that she toyed with; tossing it from one hand to another as Damian prattled on about his latest, greatest obsession: his new job, working as an usher at the nearby theatre. 

In someways it was great, the more questions she asked and the longer she stayed hunched over her homework, the less time she had to spend pretending to eat. But on the other hand, there was only so much talk about theatre that she could stand. 

“….and then, she had the nerve to ask for two more playbills! Two!” Damian was in the middle of complaining about his job, for only the fifth time that week. All Janis had learned so far was that it meant they saw each other less and diet coke was more expensive than the regular kind. She winced as Damian swung his hands widely around, nearly knocking over her water bottle in his efforts to make his point clear, “Janis are you even listening?” 

Janis looked up from her algebra homework, pencil in hand, “yeah, of course, two playbills. Sounds crazy,” she deadpanned as Damian kept talking.  

“It was! I mean she could have asked for…”

Damian’s talking faded into the background as Janis tried to find the answer to problem five and not feel so invisible at the same time. _How ironic_ , she thought, _the girl who wanted to stand out is stuck blending in_. 

— — — 

The next few weeks were filled with the same things; school, homework, small talk. She was thankful for the cold weather, it gave her an excuse to hide behind baggy sweaters and layered jackets. Nothing different from her usual style, she just wore everything more carefully, trying to stay hidden the best she could. Her jackets were covered in paint, embroidery, and beads, anything art supply she could get her hands on was fair game. They were a disguise, like those frogs they had studied in biology, the bright colors covering up the poisons inside. 

Of course, there were the rare moments, like when Damian stopped talking for enough time to notice she wasn’t eating lunch and she had to scramble to make up some excuse about having a big breakfast. Or when her mom came home long enough to eat dinner with her. Which meant she had to shovel enough lasagna or microwaveable casserole into her mouth to make her mom happy, and her throat hurt later, when she spent half an hour trying to throw it all up. She’d fall asleep with the pattern from the floor tiles in the bathroom engrained on her knees and red, watering eyes, shame burning in her stomach.  

She started showering with the lights off, and she wasn’t sure if it was because she was too scared to see herself or too disgusted. _Maybe both_ , she decided one day, as she watched the fog disappear from the mirror, her face coming into view. 

— — — 

“Make sure to finish the next twelve problems by Monday!” Ms. Norbury shouted, trying to be heard over the ringing of the bell and students who rushed out into the hallway. 

Janis was packing up her backpack, trying to remember if she had finished the worksheet for biology. Someone cleared their throat and she looked up to find Ms. Norbury hovering over her, the classroom empty. Janis tried to look anywhere but at her math teacher, but she could feel her steady gaze on her as she stood up.

The math teacher adjusted her glasses before she spoke, “hey Janis, I haven’t really been able to talk to your friend Cady lately, would you let her know that the Mathletes have a spot for her on the team whenever she’s ready?”

“Oh, um I haven’t seen her for a while, we’re not really—never mind,” Janis shook her head, she was not about to spill her friendship problems to her math teacher, “uh, if I see her, I’ll let her know,” Janis said, heading towards the doorway.

“Great, have a good weekend!”

“You too,” she mumbled, stepping into the hallway and disappearing into the crowd. 

The truth was she had seen Cady—two days ago if she wanted to get into specifics.

If Janis was putting things lightly, she would say that it hadn’t gone well at all.

— 

Janis had been on her way to ceramics when the hallway started spinning and the ringing in her ears grew louder.

_Shit, this cannot be happening right now_ , she thought as she leaned against the wall, trying to catch her breath. She shook her head, trying to get rid of the black dots clouding her vision. She wondered if eating her emergency granola bar would be worth it.

“Janis?”

That voice sounded familiar. Too familiar. Janis opened her eyes, meeting Cady’s concerned stare. She sighed, “what do you want Cady?”

Cady fiddled with her backpack straps as she spoke, and for a moment, Janis swore she could see her friend underneath all the glitter and pink. “Are you okay?” She finally asked, taking half a step forward towards Janis.

“I’m fine,” Janis retorted, annoyed that her voice seemed to waver as she stepped backwards, trying to put some distance between her and Cady.

“Geez, Janis, I’m just trying to be nice, okay?”

“Well try harder,” Janis retorted, starting down the hallway only to be jostled by a stupid freshmen. She stumbled, tripping over her own boot-clad feet, and reached out for something to grab onto, bracing for for impact that came with hitting the floor. It never came and instead she found herself staring into Regina’s eyes, the Plastic’s grip tight on her arm as she held Janis up. While her eyes filled with disdain, Janis saw something else flash across Regina’s face, something filled with warmth and surprise.

Whatever it was, it quickly disappeared as Regina spoke, “careful,” Regina purred, her voice sickly sweet, “we wouldn’t anyone to think that Janis Sarkisian needs help.”

Janis yanked her arm away, “fuck off Regina,” she snapped, glaring at whoever stared at her as she walked to her next class. She rubbed her arm with trembling fingers, Regina’s handprint burned into her skin.

—

Janis knew it was bound to happen. Damian was spending more time at work or in rehearsal, and she was busy trying to find any sense of control she could hold onto. Still, they hadn’t fought in years and it was jarring. She had forgotten what came with it, the shouting, the muttered curses, the words that tasted sharp, metallic as they flew out of her mouth and left behind the sour taste of guilt. They had both said thing they regretted, watching with some sort of disgusted sense of pride as their words cut deeper and deeper into each other.

She had been waiting, waiting for something to spill out about how she wasn’t eating, how she needed help, how she should know better. But it never came, and the twinge of disappointment was quickly covered up with relief and in a way, success. She was proud, happy almost, that she had hidden it so well. That even her best friend, her only friend really, hadn’t figured her out.

And maybe a part of her was scared that no one would find out, that no one would save her. But her fear lay hidden beneath empty stomachs, cups of black coffee, and sunken eyes. She could feel it emerge late at night, when she was painting. Something inside her took control of the brush, and when she opened her eyes, the canvas would be covered in deep reds, purples, and blacks that reminded her of a bruise, spreading across the canvas and dripping onto her fingers. She’d wipe off the paint from her hand and remind herself that she was fine. She was fine and in control. That was all that matter, wasn’t it?

— — —

“Ms. Sarkisian?” 

Janis had to take a second to remember where she was, which happened to be in the middle of English class. She sighed, looking up from her latest sketch, “can you repeat the question please?”

“I asked you to explain what the red room represents in chapter two.”

Her English teacher looked at her expectantly and Janis stared down at the worn carpeting, willing herself to focus. They were reading Jane Eyre and normally Janis would be all for feminist authors and open-ended questions, yet all she could think about was red.

Apples, red velvet cake, strawberries, tomato sauce.

God, she was just so _hungry_.

“Janis, are you alright?"

Janis rubbed her temples, the harsh fluorescent lighting glaring down on her, ”I-uh, actually I have a headache, can I get a pass to the nurse?"

When Janis headed down the hallway, pass in hand, she reached instinctively for her phone. She was sure Damian would be happy to skip French to give her a ride home. Her jacket pocket was halfway unzipped before she remembered that she and Damian weren't talking. It was moments like this that she wished she had a car, or at the very least, friends outside of art class.

— — —

It was freezing outside and no matter how tightly she wrapped her coat around herself, the wind still seeped through her layers of sweaters and tights, leaving her chilled to the bone. She was shivering when she unlocked the door, and all she wanted to do was take a long, hot shower and fall into bed.

The note her mom had left on the kitchen table said otherwise; the house was a mess, would Janis mind picking it up a little and warm up dinner? _Yes_ , Janis thought, glancing around at the dishes in the sink and laundry basket on the couch, _yes_ , _she would mind_.

She threw her coat over a chair and stalked into the kitchen, trying to get everything done as fast as possible. Yesterday’s leftover pasta went into the oven and she got to work on the pile of dishes in the sink. Her mom had promised to unload the dishwasher in the morning, and when Janis opened it to find it filled with dishes, it was the least she could do to keep from storming away in frustration. Janis tried not to get mad at her mom often, she knew it was a teenager thing and all, but she also knew how hard she’d been working lately.

But, promises were promises, and the last thing Janis wanted to spend her time doing was to be spending more time than she had to in the kitchen. She began to hastily unload the dishes, shoving still-wet plates up in the cabinets and slamming the drawers shut, even though no one else was home to hear her get her frustrations out on the kitchen carpentry.

She shouldn’t have been surprised when the stack of plates she was holding slipped out of her hands, the sound of broken glass deafening in the quiet house.

— — —

The first thing she noticed was the blood.

There was so much blood. Janis couldn’t even tell where she had been cut, and it seemed like the more she moved, the more she was covered in the sticky, warm liquid. The second thing she noticed came later, when she was searching for a towel, or anything to stop the bleeding. She was dizzy. She was hot and cold at the same time and lightheaded and the room tilted with every step she took and—

Janis made a frantic grab for her phone, swiping until she got to the only number she knew would pick up, “Damian? Please, I know we’re not talking right now and I know you're mad, but I really need you, please, I need help-“

“Uh, this isn’t Damian-” the voice on the other end began, before Janis cut them off.

“Shit, _shit,_ ” Janis swore, about to hang up the phone to try again. 

“Wait, don’t hang up! Are you…okay?” The voice on the other end sounded so concerned it made Janis want to cry.

“No, I-I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding _a lot_ ,” Janis said, panic creeping into her voice as if she had just noticed the amount of blood and glass on the floor for the first time.

“Shit,” the voice muttered, “look, I’m going to get you some help, okay? Just stay with me, don’t hang up.” 

Janis listened as the voice walked her through what she should do, she listened as they told her how long the ambulance would take, and she listened as they told her that it was fine, that she was fine. 

And as the edges of the room blackened and Janis closed her eyes, she wasn’t sure any more. She could feel the fear creep in, and this time, her fear had made itself real. Fear was the kitchen towels she had gotten her mom for Christmas drenched in blood, _her_ blood. Fear was the tears in her eyes as sharp as the glass shards that littered the floor. Fear was the cold that seeped into her, as she slumped against the cabinets, phone clenched in her hand. Her fear had made itself known, and it was alive and hungry.  

This time, she wasn’t fine. 

She wasn’t even close to it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you liked it! I'm open to comments, questions, requests, & whatever else you have! Trust me, they make my day! 
> 
> (p.s I'm on tumbler @jennb55!)


	4. the truth is stranger than all my dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: eating disorders, overall mental health & very brief mentions of vomiting/blood.  
> Chapter title from: Meet Me in the Woods by Lord Huron

She had put together bits and pieces of how she had ended up sitting here, in her white, sterile hospital bed. As much as she tried, Janis couldn’t shake the stark image she had of her blood pooling on the kitchen floor, the sharp prick of the needle she had felt as the EMTs loaded her in the ambulance, and the questions they had asked over and over again her on the way to the hospital, desperate for her to stay awake. 

“What happened?”

“How old are you?” 

“Who should we call?” 

Janis remembered seeing the EMTs faces blurring together before she closed her eyes again; she was just so _tired_.

The rest of the pieces she learned later, with a doctor standing over her, twelve stitches across her thigh, another eight down her arm, and a bag of IV fluids. Her mom had been sitting next to her in a chair, concealer doing nothing to hide her red eyes, freshly shed tears drying on her cheeks.

Janis dug her nails into her palms, leaving crescent moon shaped indents behind. She tried to ignore the look on her mother's face and the panic that rose her in her throat as words were thrown at her: eating disorder, recovery, therapy. Through her painkiller induce haze, Janis managed to come to a consensus: someone had finally figured out how far away from fine she was. She couldn’t place how she felt about that discovery, anger, yes. But grateful? She wasn’t quite sure.

— — — 

“Do you need more socks? I can run back to the house and grab some before you go—“

“Mom.”

“I bet there’s a Target around here—“

“Mom,” Janis interrupted, “I have enough socks. And enough sweatshirts and enough books. I don’t need anything else, okay?”

Her mom looked up from across the room, Janis’ suitcase lay open in front of her. “Oh, okay. I’ll bring this down then,” she said, a hint of defeat in her voice.

Janis sighed, twisting her hospital bracelet around her wrist, “no, Mom, wait a second. I’m sorry…I-I just don’t want this to be a big deal, you know?” 

Mrs. Sarkisian put down the pair of socks she was holding, “Janis, you know we’ve talked about this. It’s your health, of course it’s a big deal.”

“Are you sure I can’t come home with you? Please, I’ll eat, I’ll do whatever you want me to do.” That was a lie, and Janis knew it. She’d do anything _not_ to eat, and as much as she tried to hide it, it showed. She wanted to cry, but bit her lip instead. Her mom had been doing enough crying for both of them lately— Janis had heard her at night those first few days, when her mom slept on the tiny pull out couch next to her and Janis spent most nights curled in a ball, the medication she was on and her anxiety getting the worst of her.

“I want you to get better Jan,” her mom responded, zipping shut Janis’ suitcase, “besides, Dr. Johnson and I did so much to get you into this program. You’ll only be there for four weeks, most people are there for four months.”

Janis looked down at her feet, another wave of guilt washing over her. She knew how expensive a program like this was, and the only reason she was only going for four weeks was because her mom had promised to finish the inpatient recovery at home. Janis shook her head, “sorry, I know I’m just making this harder for you.” 

Her mom pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head before she spoke again, “sweet pea, you deserve this. You deserve to be healthy, and if this it what it takes, then this is what we’re going to do, okay?”

“Okay. You’ll come visit on the weekends?” Janis asked softly, even though she already knew the answer.

“Of course,” her mom answered, handing Janis her backpack, “now let’s get you downstairs, Dr. Johnson said the van might be coming earlier than she thought.”

Janis nodded, shouldering her bag and heading down the hallway. She took a deep breath in, pulling her jacket around her tighter. _I’ll be fine._

— — — 

“If you’re not sure what’s on your meal plan, just ask one of the girls at your table. I’ll come grab you before group,” Caroline said. She was Janis’ roommate, unofficial tour guide, and had an impressive collection of glass animals on her desk. Janis thought she seemed nice, but according to her schedule, they only saw each other at group therapy and food prep. Caroline sat at table six, which meant she got to serve herself, ate 600 more calories than Janis did, and could take twenty minute walks. 

Janis settled in her spot at table three (supervised meals and no exercise her move-in packet had explained) and waited for dinner to start. She could feel the panic rising in her throat and she tried her best to swallow it down; it was just dinner. She could get through one meal. 

“Nervous?”

Janis looked up to find a redheaded girl staring at her from across the table. Janis had met her in the hallway when she was moving in and she recognized her purple sweater, but she couldn’t remember her name.

“I’m Amelia,” the girl said, apparently understanding the wild look in Janis’ eyes. “Are you nervous?” she repeated, her voice softer this time.

“Uh, a little,” Janis admitted, toying with her necklace as she spoke.

“That’s alright, I remember how nervous I was on my first day. It’s Wednesday, so we’re probably having soup and sandwiches again, sometimes we have pasta though. You’ll probably have salad though, that’s what I had my first few days. Do you like salad? You can always ask for something else, and…”

Janis nodded, grateful for Amelia’s quiet chatter. It reminded her of Damian, and she couldn’t help but wonder what was happening back at home. She could practically hear the gossip echoing off the walls at school, the rumors about her spreading faster than that one time Regina threatened to fight Taylor Wedell because she wore the same shoes as her. Janis’ mom had told her not to worry, that she had it _“_ all under control” _._ Janis wondered what _that_ meant.

— — —

Janis prided herself on many things. Her artwork, the 100% she had gotten on her ninth grade English final, and lately, her “I-don’t-give-a-shit” attitude that she wrapped around herself like armor. She hid herself behind it and oversized jackets and excuses. But here, there was nothing to hide behind. There was doors that couldn’t be locked, meals that had to be eaten, and thoughts that she was expected to share.

Janis wasn’t used feeling embarrassed, Ever since eighth grade she’d decided that being embarrassed was weak and meant you cared too much about what people thought of you. But here, embarrassment was many things and it disguised itself as shame, something Janis had gotten too used to feeling. It was her cheeks flaming with failure when she spent the first two days throwing up everything she ate, and it was asking to use the bathroom, forced to count out loud as someone stood outside of her door.

Fear was worse, plaguing every move she made, every bite she took. It was choking down a chalky, calorie-laden protein drink when she couldn’t finish her meals and standing backwards on the scale, her arm aching from getting her blood drawn.

Fear was changing in the dark, afraid to see what was happened to her, and waking up in the middle of the night, covered in sweat as she tried to catch her breath and get rid of her dreams. It was trembling hands, and looking down at the plates and bowls in front of her, wondering if her life would ever be normal again.

Janis stayed quiet for the first week. She stared at her feet during group therapy sessions, listening to other girls split themselves open, spilling their secrets like ink, dark, messy and seeping into the woven rug they sat around. She watched the clock during her individual sessions, itching to grab a paintbrush or pen, so she could scrawl her feelings across an empty canvas instead of saying them out loud.

She settled into the routine, learned how to french braid, hung her posters on her side of the room, and finished three weeks worth of biology homework, with the help of another junior she’d met in the lounge. Janis traded her jackets for sweaters and layered tights for leggings, although she’d never admit to how comfortable they were. She was halfway through the week when she realized no one here had seen her with makeup on, and decided that she like it that way. 

Caroline went home for the weekend, and came back with stories about her family and her boyfriend. His name was Matt, and they had watched Disney movies together in the loft above Caroline’s garage.

Janis wondered if someone would ever love her that much, and thought about it for so long that her chest ached. She dreamed about painting that night, where she covered a canvas in warm colors, some sort of glowing sunrise that took her breath away.

— ——

By her second week, Janis signed up for art classes, and had her own little easel set up in the corner of the studio. She had immediate flashbacks to eighth grade when she wrote her name down for ‘art therapy’, but Caroline practically dragged her to the studio once she had seen some of her sketches.

“Trust me, Janis. You’ll be the best one there!” she had exclaimed, flipping through Janis’ sketchbook, “you should really give it a shot!”

Janis was sprawled out on her bed, dangling her feet over the edge as she looked up at the ceiling, “okay, fine. I’ll go.”

So she spent half of her therapy sessions in the studio, paintbrush in hand. Her therapist, Melissa, (a certified cardigan-wearing-hipster) had allowed it, with the exception that Janis would explain her artwork to her whenever they met. Janis had hated the idea at first, because her art was _her_ art; trying to explain it to someone else felt awkward and clunky, like she was reading outloud in a foreign language.

But, it was better than having to talk through her feelings, and she had missed painting.

Besides, it helped in other ways, too. Like when Amelia laughed at her all through lunch because she showed up late with orange paint smudged across her cheeks. Afterwards, Janis realized that she had managed to eat everything on her plate without thinking about it. Or when Caroline asked if she wanted to paint a picture for her mom, which meant they got to spend ten minutes outside looking for the perfect flowers, and Janis felt lighter than she had in months.

— — —

“Your mom’s coming on Saturday, right?” Caroline asked, zipping up her duffle bag.

Janis didn’t even look up from her book as she nodded, “yeah.”

“So?”

“So what?” Janis asked, setting down her book to watch Caroline finish packing. She was going home again for the weekend and Janis wished more than anything that she could come with.

Caroline slid a stack of books into her backpack as she spoke, “are you excited? Nervous?”

“Neither.”

“ _Janis_.”

Janis rolled over on her bed, her voice muffled in the pillows, “okay, fine. A little nervous, I guess.”

“I’m sure it’ll go fine. You can tell me all about it on Monday!”

Janis nodded weakly, standing up to help Caroline carry her bags outside. _Yeah, if I even make to Monday_ , she thought bitterly. 

— — —

“And how does that make you feel, Janis?”

Janis could feel her mom and Melissa looking at her expectantly. She stared down at her boots instead of speaking. She hadn’t worn them since she got here, but Janis figured she’d need some sort of armor to hide behind.

“I know we talked a while ago about both being and feeling alone, and how that was hard for you at home sometimes. Do you want to describe how that feels?”

 _No._ She did not want to sit here in this uncomfortable chair and talk about her feelings with her mom. It felt wrong and Janis knew the damage she could make. The words were right there, sharp and bitter on the tip on her tongue. She could open her mouth and watch them fill the room, drowning everyone else while she finally got the chance to breath. She could sit back and watch her words cut into her mom, her face crumpling in sympathy, failure, disappointment; feelings Janis wished she could stop seeing in people’s eyes when they looked at her.

— — —

Janis swiped her brush across the canvas, black paint running together with orange, creating a muddy brown. Her hands were splattered in paint, and because she had forgotten to grab an smock, so was her sweater. She paused to take it off, grateful the studio was empty as she stood in her tank top in front of the easel.

She wasn’t sure what she was painting yet, usually it emerged when half of the canvas covered. This painting looked like all the others she’d been working on— some sort of abstract sunrise covered up by clouds. Janis scoffed as she cleaned off her brushes, of course she would paint something so childish and symbolic. She’d spent hours thinking about how her childhood had led her astray, yet here she was, painting a picture her eight-year old self would have loved. 

“I heard you’d been painting again,” her mom stood in the doorway and Janis immediately crossed her arms over her chest, conscious of the amount of skin she was showing. She was thin, _too_ thin as the doctors kept trying to remind her. It scared her when she looked in the mirror, only to see someone she didn’t recognize looking back.

“Yeah,” she said horsely, “it helps with…I don’t know, Melissa thought it would help with something,” she trailed off, giving a bitter laugh.

“Can I look?”

“Uh, I-sure,” she stepped away from the easel as her mom peered at the canvas. Janis could see her smudged mascara even in the dim studio lighting, and she gripped her brushes tighter.

“It’s…bright. I like this yellow here,” her mom gestured at the top corner.

“Me too,” Janis added, wary of her mom’s worried gaze on her as she slipped her sweater back on, picking at the dried paint on it.

“Hey,” her mom said softly, “I’m sorry about today, I know that was hard for you.”

Janis headed towards the door, stepping into the hallway, “yeah, thanks.”

They were silent as they headed back to the entrance, listening to the chatter of the girls in the hallway and the fall of their footsteps.

Her mom pulled her into a hug when they reached the doors, and Janis tried not to tense up, breathing in the smell of home as she pressed her nose against her jacket. Her mom pulled away, holding her at arms length, “love you, Jan.”

“Mm-hmm,” Janis mumbled, “love you, too.”

“I’ll see you next weekend, okay?”

Janis nodded and watched her walk out into the parking lot. She pulled her sweater around her tighter, before turning and heading back to her room. It was almost lunchtime, where Janis would try to remember what being hungry felt like and fight the dulling panic that filled up her stomach. She scratched at the paint on her hand and wondered how her life would keep moving forward once she went home.

_It’ll be fine._

_— — —_

Caroline apparently knew Janis well enough to not ask about how her mom’s visit went come Monday, which Janis was eternally grateful for. They slipped back into their weekly routine without a hitch and Janis found herself in the studio for hours on end. She finished her homework, re-read all the books she’d brought, and spoke more than once during her group sessions.

They baked cookies, which somehow led to Janis joining the group singalong to “Africa” by Toto when she was elbow-deep into a bowl of chocolate-chip cookie dough. Which was…weird, but she wasn’t complaining. She moved to table five and had to eat three carbs with every meal, which was both a blessing and a curse.

She finished two more paintings and the stack underneath her bed grew taller. Janis wondered if she’d bring them home or leave them here, canvas filled with feelings she couldn’t say out loud. It was odd, she thought, that the world kept moving while she was stuck in here, her life revolving around meals schedules and how often she could get a brush in her hand.

No matter what she sketched, or how long she talked during group, or what number the doctors scribbled down on their clipboards while she stood backwards on the scale, Janis still had the nagging sensation that she was forgetting something. 

She wasn’t sure what it was, until, one night, she was. 

- 

Janis fell asleep listening to Caroline’s heavy breathing, as she watched the shadows from cars passing down the street dancing across the walls.

She was at home, except it wasn’t her house and the everything was white. She looked down and by the time she looked up again, she was in another room.

The phone was ringing. Everything was red.

“Hello?” Janis asked, picking up the phone from where it lay on the table, “hello?”

The dial tone drowned out whatever noise Janis was making, the ringing in her ears increasing.

The room tilted. Janis was falling. It didn’t feel like falling. The room turned in waves, and then the night sky.

It was dark. She couldn’t see, and all she could hear was the wind rushing past her.

“Do you need help?” A voice asked her. It sounded familiar.

Janis couldn’t speak.

The voice kept asking her the same question over and over again, and the dial tone grew louder, the ground grew closer and she was falling and everything was red and—

Janis opened her eyes, her breath caught in her throat as she glanced around the darkened room, the only light coming from her alarm clock. She was covered in a thin layer of sweat, and her t-shirt stuck to her back. She slipped out of bed to change, shivering as the cool air reached her skin. 

Janis dozed off again, something unsettling stirring in her chest.

- 

Caroline was getting discharged on Saturday, so Janis spent most of her free time painting her a going-away present and helping her pack. They finished boxing up her bedding late Friday night and sat sprawled out on the floor, surrounded by boxes and bags. Janis slid over to her bed, ceremoniously pulling her painting out from her growing stack and handing it over to Caroline. 

“Oh, Janis! This is gorgeous!” Caroline exclaimed, looking down at the canvas.

The painting centered around one main flower, a purple gladiolus that spiraled across the canvas, surrounded by splashes of color. Blues, oranges, and purples ran together in the background, creating a field of flowers.

“It’s really nothing,” Janis said, gesturing vaguely with her hands, “but, thanks,” she added, fiddling with her necklace. 

“No! I love it!” Caroline assured, setting the canvas down and throwing her arms around Janis.

Janis tensed, she wasn’t really the hugging type, but gradually relaxed, softening into the embrace. “So, are you excited for your going-away party tomorrow?” Janis asked, as she pulled away, standing up to grab her toiletries bag. 

“Eh, they’re not that big of deal. Just some family members, snacks, you know, the usual,” Caroline explained, holding open the door for Janis as they headed down the hall to the bathroom.

Janis scoffed, “there’s snacks? Of course.”

“I know, right? You can’t have a party at an eating disorder center without snacks!” Caroline laughed, toothbrush halfway to her mouth.

— — —

“How…how was that day for you?” Janis asked, back in the uncomfortable chair with the lingering taste of cheese and crackers in the back of her mouth from Caroline’s going-away party. They waved goodbye to her a few hours ago, and now Janis was sitting in Melissa’s office, having another uncomfortable conversation with her mom.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like what happened from your point of view?” Janis rephrased, tired from talking about herself for the first half hour.

“Oh…I mean, I was working when I got the call—“

“From who? Who called you?” Janis interrupted, eager to find some answers.

“The hospital, and then they told me what happened. So I left work and—“

Janis felt the desperation setting, “did anyone else call you?”

“No. Why do you ask?”

Janis could tell from her tone that her mom was getting suspicious, so she shrugged and continued to listen, trying to ignore that nagging feeling that returned. 

— — —

Her new roommate, Annie, moved in early into her fourth week, and Janis spends most of her time showing her around. Janis tried not to say anything when she heard Annie cry in the middle of the night, she wasn’t good at the whole in-person-confrontation-thing. Instead, she left a a half empty sketchbook on her bed and a hand-drawn map to the studio after overhearing Annie talking about watercolors during lunch.

Janis spent her last week packing, signing forms, and talking with Melissa about how her life would be different once she left. The last one was obvious to Janis, but she still felt nervous at the thought of going home. What if she fell back into old habits? What if everyone hated her? (Janis knew the last one was a little extreme, but she added it to her list of worries anyway.)

She fiddled with the information packet her doctors had given her, full of meals plans and check-up schedules that she was sure her mom already had on the calendar. Her suitcases were already loaded into the car, and her backpack lay at her feet as she waited for her mom to finish signing discharge papers.

“Are you ready to go?” Her mom asked, car keys in hand.

Janis stood up, grabbing her backpack, “yeah,” she said, pulling on her jacket.

Her mom looked at her for a moment, touching her arm as she spoke, “I’m proud of you,” she said softly. 

“I know,” Janis said, as they stepped outside and headed to the car.

She took a breath, than another and another.

_It’ll be fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick PSA: I'm leaving for trip this weekend, and I'll be out of town for a whole month (!!). So this chapter will be the last update until hopefully sometime in late July/August. As always, thanks for reading! I'm open to comments, questions, prompts, etc! 
> 
> (p.s I'm on tumbler @jennb55!)


	5. if only we could find a way to leave all of our darker days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: eating disorders & overall mental health   
> Chapter title from: Give a Little by Maggie Rogers

“How does that make you feel, going back to school?” Melissa asked, scribbling something down on her notepad.

Janis fingered the scar on her arm subconsciously as she spoke, “I don’t know…nervous, I guess.” Janis felt a little better knowing that everyone else was starting senior year too, having just come back from summer break, but she was still nervous about the rumors, the gossip she knew ruthless high schoolers were capable of spreading.

The clock ticked in the background and Janis resisted the urge to sigh loudly. She knew Melissa was waiting for her to elaborate, it felt like she always was.

She tried again. “I guess I’m nervous because I don’t know how people will react, and I just…I don’t want it to turn into some huge thing.”

Melissa nodded, “it’s okay to be nervous, everyone gets nervous at some point or another in their life. And as for how people will react, that’s something that’s out of your control. Can you think of something that you’ll be able to control when you go back to school?”

“My friends? Like the people I’m around?”

“Good,” Melissa affirmed,”the people you chose to surround yourself with is definitely something that you can control when you get back. From what I’ve heard, it sounds like things are going better with your friends?”

“Yeah, Damian and I have hung out a couple times since we talked and it’s definitely nice to have him back” Janis admitted. She and Damian had worked hard to get their friendship back to where it used to be when she got back from inpatient. It hadn’t be easy for either of them, but they both agreed it was something they needed to do in order to support each other better.

“And how are things with your mom?”

_God, Melissa was just hitting_ _all_ _the points today,_ Janis thought, toying with a loose thread on the nearly threadbare couch she was sitting on. “Uh, it’s going okay. It’s been weird since I got back, but weird in a good way? If that makes sense?”

Things _were_ going better with her mom, better than Janis expected. Her mom was working less and spending more time at home, which was nice for both of them.

Melissa nodded again and they finished up their session a few questions later, with reassurance from Janis that she had a plan for school, and would give the full report next session. 

“I’m proud of you, kiddo,” Melissa said as she held open the door for Janis.

Janis flashed her a rare, soft grin. “Thanks,” she said quietly, slipping on her jacket as she stepped out into the hallway “see you next week.”

— — — 

“Knock, knock,” her mom said, standing in Janis’s doorway, a laundry basket balanced on her hip.

“Hey,” Janis said, setting down the paintbrush she was holding and grimacing as she smudged more paint across her cheek. Her coming-home-present had been a new set of paints; watercolors, oils, and acrylics. They were gorgeous, and Janis tried hard not to think about how much money her mom must have spent on them. “Dinner’s not ready already, right?” Janis asked, glancing at the clock.

“No, not yet. I’m just delivering some clean clothes,” her mom said, setting the laundry basket down on Janis’s bed.

“Oh. Thanks,” Janis sighed in relief. The clock read 6:00, and they typically ate as close to 6:30 as they could get. Both Melissa and Janis’s nutritionist, Jenny, had agreed that it was helpful for Janis to eat on a schedule and Janis was glad her mom took that request seriously. It seemed pointless at times, but Janis had to admit it helped a little bit with her anxiety.

“Do you have everything laid out for tomorrow?” Her mom asked, placing a stack of folded clothes in Janis’s dresser.

“Mom,” Janis whined, “I’m not ten anymore, I don’t need to pack my backpack the night before.”

“Okay, okay,” her mom laughed as she slid the dresser drawer shut, “I guess you’re right. But you have everything you need, notebooks, pencils, that kind of stuff?”

Janis nodded, barely looking away from her easel as she mixed a new shade of blue.

“Good. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready, okay?”

“Sounds good.”

Her mom stepped out into the hallway, shutting the door behind her. Janis stared at the painting in front of her, trying to quell the nervousness that rose in her stomach.

Being at home was a lot better than being stuck in inpatient, but in some ways, it was harder. At the recovery center, Janis spent so much of her time worried about just being there, especially at the beginning. It was easier to focus her anxiety on that then on eating. But at home, all she had to be anxious about was eating; what she was eating, how much, and when. Janis wouldn’t say her recovery had gotten worse at home, only that it seemed more difficult some days.

For one thing, her mom was in charge of Janis’s recovery at home, which meant a lot of different things. It meant they fought over things Janis never thought she’d be fighting about with someone, like how much pasta she needed to eat and why couldn’t she just have two cups of ice cream instead of three? It meant the scale in the bathroom had some how disappeared once Janis arrived home. It meant they ate nearly every meal together, something Janis would have killed for a few months ago, but now she hated it.

Janis would admit that things had slowly gotten better, there was less tears on both ends, fewer chairs tipped over at dinner, and at least now she got to pick out her own snacks.

_Maybe going back to school will be good for both of_ us, Janis thought, she’d finally get some more freedom and her mom would get the break she deserved.

She really just wanted everything to okay. She’d take it one, agonizingly slow, day at a time if that’s what she had to do.

— — —

“You ready?” Damian asked her, as the two stood outside of school, only a set of stairs and a door away from starting their senior year.

Janis adjusted her backpack and took a deep breathe, “ready as I’ll ever be,” she said with a forced laugh.

“You’ve got this,” Damian assured, giving Janis’s shoulder a gentle squeeze, “text me, call me, send me a carrier pigeon if you need _anything_ , okay?”

Janis nodded, laughing for real this time.

“I’ll see you in the art room for lunch?”

“Yep,” Janis said, as they headed up the stairs, through the doorway and into the crowded hallway, “see you soon.”

_I’ll be fine._

_— — —_

“Janis Sarkisan?”

“Here,” Janis answered, watching her English teacher check her name off on the clipboard he was holding. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her, burning into the back of her neck and she resisted the urge to slump down lower in her chair. Like every other class she’d had today, her name on the attendance list prompted immediate glances and whispers.

She’d tried to shrug it off, but she’d heard some of the rumors that spread down the halls. It wasn’t like she hadn’t heard any of them before, but Janis was tired of hearing all the shit people were willing to believe about her. English was her last class before lunch and she was determined to make it through at least the first half of the day without frantically texting Damian, or having to do do those stupid breathing exercises Melissa had taught her.

So, she read the syllabus one too many times, and alternated between jotting down notes and doodling in the margins of her notebook to pass the time. When the bell rang, it took all of her effort not to bolt down the hallway and into the art room. Instead, she tried to slow her walk down, and put on her best ‘I-don’t-give-a-fuck-face’.

Facade in place, she started down the hallway, with the art room in sight. She could almost feel her lunch bag burning a hole into her backpack as she dodged clumsy freshmen and jocks who tossed footballs to each other from across the hallway.

“Janis?”

She looked up to find Cady staring at her from across the hallway, the mathlete’s feet firmly planted on the ground as the rest of the student body walked around her. She was surrounded by the Plastics—or the now ex-Plastics Janis reminded herself. Damian had filled her in on the whole ‘end-of-the-year-burn-book-drama’ a while ago, but Janis hadn’t seen Cady since she’d left last year.

Janis allowed herself a quick glance before she put her head down and kept walking, her eyes locked on the art room door. Only once she was inside, the door firmly shut, did Janis allow herself to reflect upon the somewhat awkward exchange. From what she’d seen, the trio looked softer, their once bright pinks replaced with lighter ones, and the icy dynamic between Cady and Regina seemed gone, a friendship in its place.

Janis shook her head, there was no way the burn book fiasco could have done all that, right? Her thoughts were interrupted as Damian practically burst through the door, ready to tell her all the latest gossip from his third period theater class.

Janis wondered if she should mention her exchange in the hallway to Damian, but decided against it, they both had enough stress in their lives as it was.

— — —

“I saw Cady in the hallway,” Janis said, reaching for more salad across the table.

“Oh?” Her mom raised an eyebrow, prompting Janis to keep going.

Janis tried to not to cringe. She hated talking about this kind of stuff with her mom, this silly, high school drama, and regretted it almost immediately after the words came out of her mouth. But, Melissa kept reminding her that she was supposed to be opening up to her mom more, and Janis figured this would be an okay place to start.

“It was a couple days ago,” Janis twisted around her in chair, trying to remember why she even wanted to talk about this mess in the first place.

Her mom put another piece bread on Janis’s plate as she spoke, “so did you say hi?”

“No! Of course not!” Janis glared at the piece of bread, somehow even more annoyed with this conversation than she was thirty seconds ago. “Why would I?”

“Oh, I don’t know, because Cady’s your friend,” her mom stated matter-of-factly.

“Cady _was_ my friend. There’s a big difference.”

Her mom was silent for a moment before she spoke again, “I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but I’m just going to say one thing.”

Janis took a deep breathe, pushing around the pasta on her plate as her mom spoke. Some part of her wanted to be friends with Cady, it really did. But the other part of her, what she assumed was the logical side of her brain

“Sometimes, it things are really important to you, you’ll find a way to make them work out in the end.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Her mom shook her head as she stood up to clear away the dishes, “it’s just one of those things you have to figure out by yourself.”

As Janis would soon come to find out and as much as she hated to admit it, her mom was right.

— — —

Janis dug around in her backpack for a pencil, her math homework forgotten on the table. Damian was running late for lunch, so she was trying to be productive with her time and finish her homework on time. Which usually wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that she’d left her pencil case at home, and had accidentally loaned her last working pencil away to the exchange student that sat next to her in physics.

Janis contemplated getting up and looking for a pencil, she was in the art studio after all, but decided against it, she’d just wait for Damian to get here. The senior sighed, her fingers trailing over the buttons and patches that covered her backpack. So far, she’d say that school was going well, considering the circumstances. Senior year wasn’t horribly hard, but they were only a few weeks in and Janis was already exhausted.

The combination of striving to maintain her nonchalant attitude, keep up her grades, and focus on recovery had Janis wiped out, and even faster than she thought. She was trying though, pushing herself to make sure she wouldn’t fall through the cracks again. At least she knew she was doing something right when she ate the two muffins Damian handed to her while they drove to school, or when she forced herself to put away her sketches and get a reasonable amount of sleep.

And when her lack of patience made her frustrated with her progress, or lack there of, she had other people she could lean on. Asking for help wasn’t exactly in her forte, but Janis _was_ trying. That’s what counted, right?

The door opened behind her and Janis jumped a little in surprise. 

She turned around, head down as she dug around in her backpack, “oh, Damian. Good, you’re finally here,” she said, pulling out her lunch bag as she spoke. “Do you have a pencil? I need to finish my math homework and I left mine at home which means that—“

A small cough interrupted her rambling and she looked up for the first time, nearly dropping her apple on the floor.

“Cady?”

— — —

Janis stared at Cady looked down at the floor, rocking uncertainly back on her heels, her sneakers squeaking against the titled floor. “Uh, hey Janis,” she said, a sympathetic look on her face.

Janis whirled around to face Damian, who stood in the doorway. “Damian, what the hell?” she exclaimed, palms curling into fists at her sides.

Damian put his hands up, stepping forward. “Hey, hey, hear me out for a second, okay?”

The clock ticked distantly in the silent room. Janis’ mind raced and she could feel her shoulders tense up. She thought back to her last session with Melissa and wondered how many steps she’d have to take before she could lock herself in a bathroom stall and do her breathing exercises. Her hands itched to grab a paintbrush, to cover a canvas in something, _anything_. 

She could feel Cady’s gaze on her, sympathetic and concerned and everything Janis hated. And Janis knew she shouldn’t but she needed something to control so she was adding up what was in her lunch in her head, trying to calculate the apple and the protein bar and the sandwich, which wasn’t what she should be doing and she should stop and she need to stop because she was—

“Fine.” Janis spit out, desperate to stop the thoughts swirling around in her head. She unclenched her fists, gesturing for Damian to continue.

“Look, I know it’s been a difficult year, to say the least, but I think it would be really nice to have the trio back, hmm?” Damian paused to give her a shoulder a quick squeeze, “It’s our senior year and grudges are hard to hold. If not now, then when?” He looked at Janis, her face neutral, “just think about it? It’s your choice and I’ll be here either way.”

Janis sighed, suddenly exhausted, “I’ll think about it.” She looked over at Cady, who was standing awkwardly in the corner, like she was trying give them some space. Janis took a deep breath, “look, I have to eat lunch now, but I’m free after school to talk. You get ten minutes.”

Cady looked up, the surprise barely hidden on her face. “Oh, uh, that’s okay. I could...drive you home? And we could talk then?” She and Damian looked expectantly at Janis, as she toyed with her necklace, weighing her options.

“Fine. I’ll meet you in the parking lot after 7th period.”

— — —

“. . .and by the time I’d finally figured out how stupid I’d been, you were gone. And Damian filled me a little bit, I guess your mom told him a few things?” Cady questioned, flicking her blinker on as she reached the next stop sign.

“Yeah, she said she’d ‘taken care of things’,” Janis made air quotes as she rolled her eyes, “but I didn’t know what she meant until Damian and I talked after I got back.”

Cady glanced over at her, a worried look on her face, “oh, is it okay that I know? I don’t know that much, I swear. Damian was super private about it and I didn’t tell anyway, I prom—“

“Cady, it’s fine. Honestly, I’d rather have Damian tell you, because I wouldn’t even know where to start,” she said with a forced laugh, shaking her head. “This last year’s been shit and yeah, some of it’s your fault. But, some of it’s mine.”

“Janis, I’m so sorry, for everything. I…I never meant for things to end up like how they did last year,” Cady trailed off as she turned into Janis’s neighborhood, “I get it if you don’t want to be friends, sometimes...” she paused, taking a deep breath, “sometimes I think about what I did last year and I can’t even imagine being friends with myself.”

“Look, we both have shit to deal with this year. But, honestly, I’m kind of tired of holding grudges and if I have to watch one more episode of _Gilmore Girls_ with Damian by myself, I might lose my mind.”

Cady pulled into Janis’ driveway, putting the car into park. “So does this mean we’re good?” She asked, excitement brimming in her voice.

“Not yet,” Janis said, watching as Cady’s face fell before she rushed to finish her sentence, “no, no, wait. What I mean is that it’s gonna take some time, for me to deal with stuff and for you too, I guess,but at least we’re moving in the right direction. Just…don’t expect everything to go back to normal right away, okay?”

Cady gave a small nod as Janis stepped out of the car, grabbing her backpack. “See you tomorrow?”

Janis paused, her hand on the car door. “Sure,” she said finally, before heading towards her front door. “Thanks for the ride,” she called over her shoulder, watching as Cady pull out of the driveway.

— — —

Janis was right, things didn’t immediately go back to the way they were. But, she said hi to Cady in the hallway, Damian created a group chat between the three of them, and sometimes Cady joined them for lunch. They talked about how bad the new french teacher was, what part Damian hoped to get in the fall musical, and their weekend plans. It wasn’t perfect, but Janis wasn’t expecting it to be.

She was in the middle of film class when her phone buzzed in her pocket and she carefully slid it out underneath the table, revealing a text from Cady.

_Think I’m gonna eat in the lunchroom with Gretchen & Karen today, wanna join?_

Janis froze, glancing up make sure no one was watching her as she stared down at her screen. It was an innocent, thoughtful question and Janis could tell Cady was putting an effort in to get her friends together. Which meant something, but still, she couldn’t do it, not today.

She was in the middle of typing out a response, a lame excuse about needing to study, when her phone buzzed for a second time. She swiped to the new message, reading through the text that Damian sent.

_I totally forgot that I have rehearsal stuff to do during lunch today, will you be okay by yourself? Sorry!!_

_Shit_ , she thought, swiping back to Cady’s text, her fingers hovering over the screen. Janis bit back a grimace as she hit sent, a tentative ‘ _sure’_ replacing her previous message. She slid her phone back into her pocket, counting down the minutes till lunch.

— — —

The lunchroom was exactly the same, which to say the least, meant it still sucked. Janis surveyed the scene as Cady led her to a table near the back of the room, expertisly dodging the footballs being thrown and the band couples that were a little too invested in PDA.

They finally reached the table where Gretchen, Karen, and Aaron sat, already deep in conversation. 

Cady dragged her over, shoving backpacks out of the way so they could sit down. “Hey you guys, look who I found!” she exclaimed, as Janis gave a tentative wave in response to their excited greetings, fiddling slightly with the cuffs of her jacket as she set down her backpack.

“Janis!”

“Party hat emoji, sandwich emoji, dancing lady emoji!”

“Hey Janis, nice to see you again.”

Cady smiled, as they settled down at the table, pulling out her lunch bag. Janis did the same, trying to calm down some of her anxiety. It was lunch, just one lunch. She’d be fine.

By now, she figured at least some of the school had figured out where she’d been for the end of junior year. She briefly mentioned it to Gretchen and Karen, when Cady was driving them all home from school one day. Janis wasn’t exactly thrilled about people knowing, but she figured it would save her some awkwardness in the long run if Cady’s friends, and her friends, knew the bare minimum.

The bare minimum was what was making her anxious now, however. She could feel her friends’ gazes on her as she pulled out her lunch, and her mind immediately drifted into the what-ifs.

What if they were watching her eat? What if they knew her mom had packed her lunch and she still had more weight to gain before she was allowed to pack it herself? What if it was too much food? What if they were worried about her?

Janis mentally groaned as she bit into her sandwich, trying to stop her thoughts from spiraling. She knew what she’d be talking about with Melissa at her next session.

Aaron slid his notebook across the table towards Cady, “hey, do you know how to do this equation? Gretchen and I were trying to figure it out before the test, but we have no idea.” Cady immediately started explain the problem, as Janis shot Aaron a grateful look, happy for the distraction.

They were halfway through lunch when Janis glanced around the table, adding up the numbers in her head. “Wait, where’s Regina?”

Gretchen glanced up from her notes, “oh, she has tutoring on Thursdays, but she normally sits with us the rest of the week.”

Janis nodded slowly, glancing over at Cady who was suddenly very invested in her math homework, which Janis knew she’d finished days ago. She filed the information away for another day and drifted her attention back to her conversation with Aaron, who wanted to know if she could design a poster for the upcoming football game. The rest of lunch passed by uneventfully and Janis rushed off to her next class, eager to escape the noise and chaos of the lunchroom.

— — —

Lunch hadn’t been a total bust, but Janis still hesitated when Cady asked if she wanted to sit with them next Thursday. She only agreed because Damian said he’d come with and because Cady had texted to say that _it’ll be better!,_ whatever that meant.

As it turned out, it was better, much to her surprise. She headed back to the table in the corner, only to find it empty except for Karen who waved wildly at her.

“Janis! Yay, you’re here!”

“And no one else is apparently?” Janis questioned, shifting her heavy backpack around.

“Oh, no they’re sitting somewhere else—come on, follow me!” Karen said, leading Janis out of the lunch room and into a quieter hallway. Janis relaxed when she saw her friends down the hallway, sitting together in a secluded study corner.

“Wait, why are they sitting out here?”

“Because last time we ate lunch you look like a sad face emoji, which I guess is because it was so noisy. Firework emoji.So I said we should eat out here, so we can all be happy face emojis!”

“Oh, thanks Karen.”

“No problem. Spiderweb emoji, carrot emoji, yellow heart emoji.”

Janis looked over at Karen and offered her a small smile.

— — —

Janis wouldn’t admit that things were going better, but if Melissa asked, she wouldn’t say no either. Her art class was going well, she hung out with Damian and Cady on the weekend, she fought less with her mom, and she ate lunch with her friends nearly everyday. Regina showed up every now and again, and Janis could feel the group watching their interactions, which was annoying, but comforting in an odd way. It wasn’t that they hated each other, but rather that they had in the past. Still, she said hi to Regina in the hallway and they shared history notes occasionally. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t like Janis was begging her to be friends or anything. It just was.

Some things weren’t great; doctors appointments made her want to tear her hair out, the occasional therapy session ended in tears, and AP biology was kicking her ass, but for the most part, Janis was doing alright.

Apparently, her nutritionist agreed so much that she wanted Janis to incorporate some more challenges to her her day to day life.

“Going out to eat, parties, restaurants, that kind of thing,” Jenny had explained, as Janis shifted around on the crinkly paper that covered the exam table. “A lot of my patients prefer to get coffee with their friends or partner, something casual and low-stress…”

Janis nodded, thinking about the party Cady was planning for the coming weekend. Cady said it was because they’d been in school for two months, but Janis knew she was celebrating having her friends back together. She’d spent half an hour staring at her phone after Cady had texted her, _want anything special?_

She’d finally texted back, _surprise me,_ and threw her phone across the room as she pulled out a blank easel.

“—and if it’s too much, you can always get someone else to pick out a plate or order for you.”

“Uh, okay. That sounds…okay. My friend’s having a party this weekend, does that count?” Janis said, checking the time on her phone, eager to get home.

“That certainly does! Parties are a great challenge area, not to mention, you get to have fun!”

Janis resisted the urge to roll her eyes, nodding again as she stood up. “Great, see you in two weeks.”

“Have fun!” Jenny called after her, as Janis slipped on her jacket and headed out to the parking lot.

— — —

_This is not at all what I thought my senior year would be like_ , Janis thought as she glanced around the room, watching her friends interact. They were settle in Cady’s basement, her parents were out of town for the weekend and they finally trusted Cady enough to let her throw another party. Damian was in the corner, talking to Karen about the latest episode of _Rupaul's Drag Race_ , Cady and Aaron were curled up on the couch, making a disgustedly cute couple with their matching letterman jackets, and Gretchen and Regina were sprawled out on the floor, talking about the upcoming football game.

Janis was perched on a beanbag, picking absently at a loose thread on her jeans and watching the tv show that was on, playing on low-volume in the background. She stifled a yawn, tired after a long week at school. Cady caught her eye and stood up suddenly, speaking to the group.

“Anyone wanna watch a movie?”

Hands shot up in the air and the group spent the next ten minutes deciding on which movie to watch. They ended up voting, which of course resulted in a tie between _The Lion King_ and _The Shining_. Janis wasn’t sure how that had happened, but she liked both movies, so she couldn’t complain. They voted again and opted to start their movie marathon with _The Lion King._ Janis watched her friends shift around in the basement, claiming spots on the couch and surrounding chairs.

Cady pressed a a few buttons on the DVR and stood up, brushing her hands off on her pants. “Okay, so it’ll just have to load for a couple minutes before we can start watching! Grab some more snacks if you want to, I’m gonna go find some more blankets,” she said, practically bounding up the stairs.

_Grab some more snacks if you want to._

Janis stood up from her beanbag, suddenly very aware that everyone else was holding little paper plates filled with pretzels and those little cookies you could buy at the bakery section of grocery store. cheap and covered in florescent frosting. She’d been putting off getting food, part of her just kept forgetting too when her friends kept arriving, but another part of her knew what she was doing.

Snacks. She could do this. It was just snacks.

Janis headed tentatively upstairs, making her way into the kitchen. In a rush of determination, she grabbed a plate, turning to survey her options. As it turned out, there were a lot of snacks. They covered the kitchen table; pretzels and chips spilling out of bowls, those little mini cupcakes and brownies stacked on plates, liters of soda to top it all off.

Janis faltered, the paper plate folding a little under her her grip. The veggie tray caught her eye, cast aside towards the back of the table and she thought about how easy it would be to pile her plate high with carrots, pea pods, and some dip. She figured a tablespoon of dip had to be around—

“The movie’s about to start.”

Janis whirled around to find Regina staring at her, drying her hands on a dishtowel as she leaned up against the counter. “Oh, yeah, I know. I’m just grabbing some more food,” Janis said, turning back around towards the table. She reached for a cup, pouring some off-brand soda into it.

Janis listened for the sound of Regina’s footsteps going to the stairs, but they never came. She turned around again, “am I in your way or something..?” Janis trailed off, a slight edge to her voice.

“Nope,” Regina said, adjusted her sweatshirt as she spoke and Janis realized this was the most casual she’d seen Regina before, excluding the sleepovers they used to have back in 7th grade.

“Okay, and?”

“I’m just waiting for you to hurry up and grab something so I turn off the lights after you head downstairs.” She gestured flippantly with her hands as she continued, “ Cady asked me too—something about ‘energy conservation’, I don’t know,”

“Oh,” Janis said, turning to face the table before Regina could see her trembling hands. 

There was a beat before Regina spoke again, a softness behind her question. “So are you gonna grab something or…?”

Janis glared into a bowl of chips, annoyed at the tears that suddenly stung in her eyes, threatening to spill. “Uh-huh,” she offered, her voice tight. It was just snacks, how could it be this hard?

The kitchen was quiet for a second and Janis could hear her friends laughing downstairs, the beginning strains of “The Circle of Life” playing. She clenched her jaw, weighing her options before she turned back around to face Regina again. “Fuck,” she muttered quietly when Regina’s gaze fell on her, “look, will you just do it for me?”

A confused looked crossed Regina’s face as she stepped forward, eyeing Janis’s empty plate. “Will I do what for you?”

“My plate, the whole ‘snacks’ thing,” Janis waved her hands wildly as she spoke, her face flaming in embarrassment. “Can you just pick some out for me? Please?”

“Oh…oh. Okay, uh, sure,” Regina said, as Janis handed over her plate, creased from her tight grip.

Janis turned around, listening to the rustle of chip bags and Regina’s footsteps as she waited. Her plate was cautiously thrusted into view, piled high with what Janis assumed was a normal amount of snacks that teenagers would consume during movie night with their friends. 

“Thanks,” Janis offered, carefully balancing her plate and cup as she started down the stairs, Regina’s footsteps following her.

They had almost reached the living room before the former Plastic spoke, something undecipherable about her tone as she answered; a soft “you’re welcome,” following Janis into the room. 

By the time Janis turned around to look at her, Regina had already settled into her spot on the couch, her eyes focused on the movie. Janis curled underneath a blanket on the floor and by the time the movie ended, an small, empty plate sat next to her, bare except for a few crumbs.

Cady drove her and Damian home later that night, the trio half asleep and singing along loudly to the radio.

_Things might be okay_ , Janis thought, laughing louder than she had in months as she nearly tumbled out of the car. She pulled her jacket around her tighter and waved goodbye to Cady and Damian, allowing herself a smile smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the wait is worth it! As always, thanks for reading! Comments, questions, prompts & etc make my day!
> 
> (p.s I'm on tumbler @jennb55!)


	6. and i wonder how you're doing but i wish i didn't care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heads up: brief mentions of underage drinking & mental health + vague mentions of vomiting.  
> chapter title from: "Every Time I Hear That Song" by Brandi Carlile

Janis stood in line at the coffee shop, digging around in her backpack as she tried to locate her chiming phone. She finally found it underneath her sketchbooks, unlocking it and swiping through her incoming texts.

The group was supposed to be meeting to study for their upcoming midterms, but judging from the texts, it looked like most of them couldn’t make. Janis sighed as she scrolled through the texts, Karen and Gretchen had emergency manicures, Arron had football practice ( _In November? Really?_ Janis wondered), and Cady had a family dinner.

It’s not that she didn’t support her friends’ activities, or that she felt unprepared for the upcoming English test, but Janis was more worried about eating alone. She wasn’t quite ready for that and she couldn’t imagine sitting in the corner of this busy coffee shop, eating a some sort of pastry all by herself. It was easier with her friend group there, their loud, fast-paced discussions a given distraction from the plate in front of her.

 _It’ll be fine_ , Janis thought, at least Damian would come. As if on cue, her phone buzzed again— this time a text from Damian himself.

_So sorry!!! Late rehearsal, can’t make it. Sorry!!!_

Fuck.

“Uh, Miss? Did you want to order?”

Janis looked up to find the barista staring at her quizzically, coffee cup in hand. 

“What?”

“Did you want to order or not? You’re holding up the line.”

“Oh, uh. No, no thanks,” Janis muttered, shoving her phone into her pocket and grabbing her bag off of the floor, throwing a half-hearted apology out over her shoulder as she headed towards the door.

It was fine. She’d just head to the library and study there. Or go home and try to sneak upstairs before she had to play Twenty Questions with her mom.

“Oh sorry,” Janis said, bumping shoulders with someone as she rushed out of the door. Her bag spilled onto the floor, pencils, chapstick tubes, and spare change scattering across the floor. She knelt down and blindly grabbed her stuff, reaching for a pink colored pencil at the same time as—

“Regina?”

The blonde stood up, handing Janis a handful of change. “Oh hey Janis,” she said, brushing her hands off on her jeans, “are you here for the study group?”

The door bell jangled overhead and the pair moved out of the way for the next customer to enter. Janis fingered her jacket as she spoke, “didn’t you look at your texts? No one can make it.”

Regina swiped through her phone, before looking back up at Janis, “well, I’m already here so I guess I’ll stay. What about you?” Regina asked, eyeing Janis’s frantic state, “are you headed out?”

“Uh. . .” Janis trailed off, contemplating her options. She looked at her shoes, then back up at Regina’s questioning eyes. The whirr of the coffee grinder filled the background. “No,” she said slowly, like she was testing the word out in her mouth. “No, I forgot my wallet in my car, I was just heading back out to grab it.”

Regina tossed her hair over her shoulder (old habits die hard) and Janis caught a glimpse of something she couldn’t quite place in her eyes. “I can pay, don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks,” Janis said, heading towards the counter.

She was surprised to find that she didn’t mind when Regina ordered two muffins and coffees for them. She didn’t mind that they spent the next two hours studying across from each other, occasionally holding up flash cards and passing highlighters back and forth.

Janis couldn’t exactly say she was surprised, because she wasn’t entirely oblivious to the way things had been going between her and Regina. She knew things would never go back to how they were before eighth grade, but thanks to the ridiculous amount of time their friend group had been spending together, at least they could have a civil conversation. They still hadn’t talked about _it_ yet though, something that nagged in the back of Janis’s mind.

She sighed, sneaking a glance across the table before pulling out her French notebook.

_Elle ne savait pas._

— — —

“Cady, didn’t you just throw a party?” Damian asked, his sandwich ignored as he looked over at Cady from across the lunch table. 

“Well, yeah. But that was forever ago!” she exclaimed, gesturing wildly with her pretzel sticks.

Janis thought back to last year’s Halloween party fiasco, and more recently, this year’s Halloween party disaster. She shook her head, reminding herself that Arron and Cady should never be trusted to T.P Taylor Wendell’s house again.

Damian nudged her with his foot, leaning in to whisper, “remember the ‘spooky smoothies’?”

She grimaced, thinking about the sheer amount of rainbow sherbet and Svedka she had to hose off of her car floor mats.

Cady apparently sensed her hesitation (and remembered her own alcohol intolerance) because she piped in, “don’t worry guys, it’ll be nice and relaxing. No alcohol. Just a few movies in my basement; exactly the thing we need before finals.”

Janis nodded to appease her over-eager friend and went back to her lunch as Gretchen and Karen jumped into the party planning—she figured Cady had all the help she needed.

— — —

“Janis! You made it!” Cady exclaimed as Janis stood on the doorway, blowing on her hands to stay warm.

She shrugged off her coat as she headed inside, following Cady through her house. “Well, yeah. I couldn’t miss the biggest party of the year, now could I?”

The redhead laughed as she pointed out the snacks and movie selections that they were voting on— _The Lion King_ being number one, which didn’t surprise Janis at all.

Janis expertly avoided the snack table in the kitchen as she made her way downstairs. Today’s challenge of dessert at lunch had thrown her off for the rest of the day, which still happened occasionally, but made her frustrated nonetheless. She had forced herself to go to the party, but she couldn’t muster up the energy to deal with more challenges today. 

Seeing as she’d come to the party on the later side, the basement was already packed. Gretchen and Karen were sprawled out on the couch, Aaron was saving Cady a seat next to him on the oversized beanbag, and Damian was flopped out on a couple of pillows on the floor. Janis took her customary spot on the floor and wondered what would happen if anyone else showed up— there was barely enough room for her on the floor.

Damian caught her eye, making exaggerated gestures down to his plate filled with snacks and her empty hands. She shrugged, looking away as a slight twinge of annoyance crawled up her spine. She knew he was just trying to be a good friend, but sometimes she wished he knew when to back off.

Cady bounded into the room, wearing a Santa hat and holding an intricate African mask in one hand. She clapped her hands excitedly together, silencing the chattering. “Ok! So before we start the movie, we’re gonna draw names for secret snowflake! I put everyone’s names in the mask, because I couldn’t find a hat, so I’ll just pass it around. Also, ignore my hat, because this is supposed to be a nondenominational secret snowflake—happy Hanukkah Gretchen!” She yelled, resulting in laughs from the group. Cady handed the mask to Damian, who shut his eyes and reached in, dramatically puling out a folded piece of paper.

“Drumroll please!” He said as the group patted their thighs unenthusiastically, before his face fell, “. . .and I got myself.”

Janis laughed, reaching behind her to give him a light shove, “always full of yourself, huh Hubbard?”

He rolled his eyes as the rest of the group laughed, picking another scrap of paper. The mask circled around the room and Janis watched as the rest of her friends picked their snowflakes. Judging from the way Cady looked at Aaron, she guessed that the two lovebirds had somehow picked each other. Gross.

Janis pulled out the second-to-last piece of paper out of the mask, hoping that she didn’t get herself. Her friends chattered excitedly in the background, already planning their presents out. Janis unfolded the paper, squinting to read Cady’s hurried handwriting. She already knew she’d get Damian that new musical-movie soundtrack he liked, and she knew exactly which bath bombs she would be buying if she got Gretchen or Karen.

She looked down at the paper and rubbed her thumb across the permeant marker. That couldn’t be right. There was no way her secret snowflake was Regina George.

—

Regina George who had made her life a living hell, who had turned her friends against her, who was the reason she had canvases piled up in her closet, Regina George— who was rushing into the room late, smiling at Cady as she picked the last secret snowflake. She was wearing _that_ sweatshirt again, the blue one that made Janis wonder if it was the only clothing item she owned that wasn’t some variation of the color pink.

Janis shook her head, _what the hell was going on?_ She looked over at Damian, trying to make eye contact with him as he was deep in conversation with Gretchen.  

“Can I sit next to you?” 

“What?” Janis blinked up at Regina, shoving the piece of paper into her pocket. 

“Can I sit here?” Regina asked again, gesturing across the room with her hands as she precariously balanced two plates in her palms, “everywhere else is filled up.”

“Uh, sure,” Janis shifted over, her eyes still on the plates of snacks in Regina’s hands. “What’s with the plates?”

“Oh, uh, I got you one? If that’s okay? Just because of last time and I figured—“

“It’s fine.” Janis interrupted, eager to finish the conversation as she grabbed the plate, edging away from Regina as subtly as she could.

Thankfully, Cady chose that exact moment to pull out the movies, which meant the group spent the next ten minutes trying to vote against _The Lion King_. Popcorn was thrown, soda was spilled, and to no one’s surprise, they ended up watching _The Lion King._ Again.

Janis tried to ignore the twinge of jealously she felt when Cady fell asleep on Aaron’s shoulder and he let her use his letterman jacket as a pillow. Sometimes, when she painted the nights away in the garage alone, she wished she had someone to hold, thinking about it as she took heaving breathes; inhaling the cold night air and exhaling her thoughts away.

She ignored the way Regina’s leg was pressed against her knee, how she sang along to ‘hakuna matata’ under her breath, and she ignored the way the pile of snacks dwindled slowly but steadily on her own plate.

When the last strains of ‘can you feel the love tonight’ ended and the rest of her friends were emerging from their piles of blankets and naps, Janis was already throwing on her coat. She muttered some lame excuse about helping her mom and headed out the door, the early December air seeping through her sweater. Her breath froze in the air as she trundled down the street, cursing herself for parking so far away. Her fingers brushed across the crumpled paper as she reached into her pocket for her keys and she jerked back as if she had been burned.

Janis frowned, jamming her keys into the ignition and flipping on the radio. She blasted the music so loud that she couldn’t hear her phone chiming, unread texts piling up. 

(She looked at them later that night, swiping through a _are u okay?_ from Damian, a photo of her forgotten hat from Cady, and a grey text bubble from Regina, that grew and shrank before finally being deleted).

— — —

“What do you think?” Damian asked, holding up a picture frame with kitschy footballs plastered all over it. His secret snowflake was Aaron and so far, he had no luck picking out a gift for him. So he had dragged Janis to the mall in order to find something.

Janis barely looked up as she shook her head, “no way.” She was getting tired of hearing Christmas songs being played over and over again, along with the noise of the crowded mall. They had decided to throw their holiday party after the holidays, because everyone would be out of town. Cady agreed to host again, which meant Janis knew she was in for a wild New Year’s eve party.

Damian groaned, throwing up his hands and muttering “the straights! So hard to shop for!” after he set the frame back.

Janis pulled him away from the sports section, “we all know he’s into football, but that doesn’t mean you have to get him a gift with footballs in. Take sports out of the occasion; what would _you_ get him?”

She watched as Damian thought about it for a second, before his face lit up and he rushed away down a different aisle. She poked around by the dishes, wondering if she should get Regina a mug and a gift card (“no gift cards!’ she could hear Cady yelling, “that’s lame!”) before she circled back around by the checkout. She watched as a college student rung up her items and Janis wondered if she was getting gifts for her family. She eyed her boots, layered sweaters, and cat keychain. Maybe gifts for her girlfriend, she thought.

She scuffed up the floor with her own boots, dodging screaming toddlers and runaway carts as she waited for Damian. He turned up eventually, clutching a Polaroid camera and a box of candy canes.

She bought a slushy. She went back later to buy a mug.

— — —

She made it through finals—running on coffee, filling breakfasts, and enough flashcards to rival Office Depot. The Group, as they started calling themselves, limped through the finish line. Karen sent late night texts about math formulas, Aaron brought coffee for everyone but forgot to get some for himself, Damian lost his voice practicing for his choir solo, and Janis talked herself out of at least two breakdowns. Progress.

Janis went Christmas shopping with Cady, facetimed Gretchen for outfit advice (“no, Gretch. For the last time, I don’t own any pink!”), and helped her mom bake enough cookies to feed a small army. She spentChristmas surrounded by her little cousins and found it impossible not to smile with all of their sticky hands and energy around. Her extended family seemed eager to grill her about all of the usual topics; where was she going to college? was she dating anyone? was she feeling better?

The last one bugged her and threw her off so much that she wished she could call Regina to pick out a plate for her when dinnertime came around. She texted Damian under the table instead, much to the chagrin of her grandparents, who were fervently anti-technology like the most of their generation.

Karen sent them so many pictures (along with corresponding emojis) about what she got for Christmas that Janis had to put their group chat on mute for a few days. She’d missed a few texts about going sledding and ignored the one Damian sent her, a screenshot of Regina asking if Janis was coming along. She had a hard time reading it, squinting around all the emojis he’d put around it and wondering how much time he’d been spending with Karen lately.

She wrapped the mug she bought Regina in some leftover tissue paper, tucking a gift card to a local soap and bath bomb place that her grandparents had sent her. At least it was cruelty free. She threw the whole shebang into her closet, hoping to ignore it until New Year’s.

— — —

Cady was already wasted by the time Janis arrived, but it didn’t discourage her from remembering to hand Janis the basket to put her car keys in. Janis had classified all of her friends by their drunk state. Gretchen was a sad drunk, but their friend group was determined to change that after last year/ Karen was, well, Karen was Karen, no matter what she was on. Janis and Aaron were usually the designated drivers, so Janis wasn’t quite sure what type of drunk he was. Damian was the DJ drunk and the only way to discourage him from playing show tunes was to force him into the dance floor, which usually wasn’t that hard.

Cady was a happy drunk. She went around petting any available dogs, talking to anyone who would listen about _The Lion King_ , and nearly fell over when Janis reluctantly took off her coat, almost spilling her drink in excitement when Janis showed off her New Year’s outfit.

It really wasn’t anything too crazy. Just a little sparkly black dress she’d thrifted, heeled boots, her signature eyeliner, and some new earrings from her mom. She threw on the dress at the last second, after trying on every available outfit in her closet. She’d worn it a lot last year, but she liked how it fit now better.

“Janis!!” Cady slurred loudly into her ear, trying to be heard over the crowd and music.

She winced, before nodding, “yep, that’s me.”

“You look so good! Like so, so good,” Cady grinned, rushing over to hug her while she sloshed what was left of her drink onto the floor.

And even through Cady was drunk and maybe Janis was projecting, but Janis could feel that Cady really meant it. And she wasn’t wrong, Janis felt better than she had in months, in most part, due to her friends. She hugged Cady a little tighter, avoiding the spilled drink as best as she could, and set off in search of Damian.

—

“3…2…1, happy New Year!!”

Janis could hear her friends cheering downstairs as the clocked ticked down. She looked over at Regina, who sat slumped against the bathroom cabinets. “You good?” 

“Yeah, better now,” the blonde said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Happy New Year,” she added a moment later.

“Happy New Year to you too,” Janis responded, grimacing as she leaned over to flush the toilet. The tropical stench of Malibu filled the air again and Janis wondered how much Regina had to drink. Enough to throw up in Mr. Heron’s planter, she guessed. Janis was pretty buzzed herself, but somehow she’d managed to drag Regina upstairs before she killed anymore innocent plants. “You wanna go back downstairs again?”

“In a sec.”

“Okay,” Janis listened to the clock tick, the cold from the floor tiles seeping through her tights.

“Do you ever…” Regina started before trailing off, “do you ever wish you could take more risks?”

“Risks?”

“Yeah, doing crazy things.”

Janis bit back a grin. She’d figured that Regina fit into the chatty drunk category, but here was her proof. Bingo. “So, skydiving or cliff jumping?”

“Or saying compliments and stuff. Like, I like your dress, it’s pretty.”

“Oh…um, thanks.”

“And the mug you bought me was cute.”

Janis knew she’d like the pink one. “Target. Did you like the gift card?”

Regina nodded, looking at Janis thoughtfully. Suddenly, Janis wanted nothing more then to get downstairs and out of this coconut-smelling bathroom. Regina had always had a way with words, exemplified by taking two years of public speaking. Even years after eighth grade, Janis was still fearful of what would come after those well-placed lapses in conversation. It had felt like she was never ready for what Regina would say next, and this time, it felt no different. Even though she looked small now, sprawled out by the toilet with slightly messy hair and smudged mascara, Janis could feel her own distrust emerged, hidden underneath her alcohol-induced relaxation. 

“Come on,” she said, rising unsteadily to her feet, even though her heels were long abandoned, “let’s go back downstairs.”

Regina reached for her hand, “okay.”

Janis pulled her up, their sweaty palms sticking together. She stumbled, tripping over the bathmat, and reached out for something to grab onto. Instead, she found herself staring into Regina’s eyes, the blonde’s grip tight on her arm as she held Janis up. “Whoa, are _you_ good?” 

“Uh, yeah, just tripped.” Janis said, pulling her arm away as she headed towards the door. “We should get back.”

She swore she saw something flash in Regina’s eyes that looked an awful lot like regret before she spoke again, “yeah, you go ahead, I’m just gonna redo my makeup.”

Janis nodded, wiping her palms off on her dress as she started down the stairs. She’d barely reached the bottom before Damian ran up to her, “where were you? We’re gonna go do firecracker in the driveway!”

Janis let herself be pulled away, and she stood in the driveway, shivering in her thin dress as her friends tried not to burn the house down, and she let Gretchen make her another drink, and she found her lost purse, all the while waiting for Regina to come back downstairs. 

“Have you seen Regina?” she asked Kevin as they gathered up all of the empty cups, the leftover drinks spilling out and making her hands sticky.

He nodded, “yeah, I think she left a while ago, something about an ‘early morning’? Karen drove her.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Janis said, reaching for another trash bag, the smelling of coconut wafting out of the next cup she picked up.

She wondered what types of risks Regina wanted to take.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed having some holiday-ness carry over after the holidays! As always, thanks for reading! Comments, questions, prompts & etc make my day!
> 
> (p.s I'm on tumblr @Jennb55, come say hi!)


	7. and I'm closer than I've ever been before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heads up: brief mentions of underage drinking  
> chapter title from: "Say It To Me Now" from Once

“…so I guess the test is after we come back from break,” Janis said, glancing over at her FaceTime with Damian before looking back at her sketchbook. Aaron had given her a nice set of colored pencils for secret snowflake and she’d been itching to try them out.

Damian muttered some sort of response and she looked over at her phone that was propped up on textbooks and leaning against a mug. “Are you even listening?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, looking back at the screen. “Of course I’m listening.”

Janis rolled her eyes, “uh-huh, sure you are.” 

“I am!”

She laughed, checking the time on her watch. “It’s fine, I have to head out anyway. Text me after rehearsals?”

“Of course,” Damian blew her a kiss, the screen going dark.

Janis tucked her phone into her pocket, searching around for her journal she usually brought with her to therapy sessions. She’d scaled down her appointments to once a week and was considered medically cleared by her recovery team.

That didn’t mean everything was fine though, some days were still harder than others. Like when the flu was spreading around her friend group and she spent three days hunched over the toilet, trying to push away the thoughts that wondered how much weight she was losing from eating nothing but saltine crackers.

But, she could go out for spontaneous ice cream trips with Damian and Cady, eat Karen’s leftover chips at lunch, and her mom finally stopped looking at her like she was going to collapse at any second. So all in all, she’d say she was doing pretty well.

Janis found her journal, tucked under a few of the glass animals Caroline had given her as a going away present. She reminded herself to shoot her a text; they had been planning to get together over break when their schedules finally lined up.

— — —

“So, what’s new since I last saw you? Anything interesting happen?” Melissa asked, as Janis settled into her signature spot on the couch.

She looked out of the large windows before she answered, the hazy winter sun slowly setting and reflected across the pond that sat behind Melissa’s office. Janis remembered how she used to want run out of her sessions and dive into the pond, desperate to feel the chill seeping into her bones as she surrounded herself with the dark water. 

“Janis?”

She looked up, drawing herself out of her thoughts. She could talk to Melissa about anything, that was the point. But as she thought over the last week, the smell of Malibu wafting through her memories of the party, the proximity in the bathroom, pink mugs, the need to reach out and—

“I’m working on making plans to meet up with Caroline,” Janis said, the guilt settling in her stomach making her shift around uncomfortably on the couch as Melissa launched into another round of questions.

And when she visualized the scenarios Melissa put in front of her, when she imagined two girls greeting each other as old friends, laughing, ordering coffees and catching up, Caroline was never the girl sitting across from her.

Janis pushed it all aside, forcing herself to imagine sipping a too-hot coffee across from Caroline, burning her tongue in the process.

Janis welcomed the late January chill that bit into her skin as she walked to her car, coat slung over one shoulder in her rush to leave. It was already dark out and she stood outside for longer than necessary when unlocking her doors, winding blowing through her hair as she wished the night could swallow her up and she could sink into the inky blackness, escape her mind for just a second or two.

— — —

“You guys, what are three words you could use to describe me?” Aaron turned towards the group, sprawled out in Karen’s living room. They had a few days left of winter break and decided to get together to work on college applications. Like most of the group, Janis had already applied to a few schools and was waiting to hear back. 

There was still more applications to be filled out though, for housing and major programs and all things Janis didn’t want to think about now. She stood up, making her way into Karen’s sprawling kitchen— why anyone would ever need not one but two countertop islands was beyond her.

She opened the fridge, scanning through her options as she drummed her fingers on the handle. Janis moved Gretchen’s Lacroix over and pushed past a few water bottles in search of a better drink, one she knew Karen’s younger sisters definitely had.

“Hey, you need anything?”

She turned around to find Regina looking at her as she leaned up against the counter. “Oh, no, I’m good,” Janis said, finally finding the bottle she was looking for, “thanks though.”

“Wait, is that a Danimals? Wow, I can’t believe she has those,” Regina asked, moving so close to Janis that she could almost smell her shampoo. Lemon something.

Janis laughed softly, “yeah, remember from when we were younger?”

“We used to drink those all the time,” Regina trailed off, a hint of regret in her eyes.

Janis swallowed hard, stepping away from the blonde as she nodded towards the living room, “well, I better get back, Cady wanted help figuring out what dorm is the most eco-friendly.” 

“Oh, right, of course,” Regina moved over so Janis could get by, their hands touching together for a second as Janis brushed past, the taste of strawberry yogurt sweet in the back of her throat.

— — —

“Thanks for the ride Janis!” Gretchen said, as she and Karen slid out of Janis’s car, tickets to Damian’s latest show in their hands.

“We’ll save you a seat!” Cady added, hiding underneath her rain jacket as she shut the backseat door behind her.

Janis looked over at Regina, “aren’t you going in with them? I’m just gonna park and then head in.” 

“I can wait with you, it’s fine,” Regina said. The overhead light cast a warm glow on her hair and Janis glanced back her face, jolting when the car behind them honked.

“Uh, sure. The parking lot looks pretty full though, we might have to walk a little. Is that okay?”

Regina nodded as Janis pulled away from the curb, fiddling with the radio at the same time. The windshield wipers swisher against the windows, sending little drops of rain flying off into the night. 

— — — 

Her phone chimed with a text and Janis set down the earring she was currently trying to put in to read the incoming message.

_I’m in._

She waited five minutes for anyone else to text back, switching out her lipstick and transferring the contents of one purse into a different bag before she texted back.

_cool. pick up in ten?_

_Sounds good._

It was settled then, she was going thrift shopping with Regina.

__

She’d envisioned a myriad of distasteful look that could have crossed the former-Plastic’s face as they stepped into Janis’s favorite Goodwill, but as always, Regina surprised her.

Regina beelined for the sweater section, Janis’s secret favorite, and almost immediately put three cardigans into their shared cart. 

 “I would not pick this to be your style,” Janis confessed, as they both reached for a sweater at the same time, an oversized wooly cardigan. 

Regina shrugged, offering a soft grin, “guess you never know.”

(Janis let her keep it, adding in to Regina’s bag when she wasn’t looking on the ride home. The look on her face when she wore it to school on Monday was rewarding enough.)

— — —

“Architecture, really?”

“Yeah, it’s something about the design aspect.”

“Huh, I never would have guessed,” Janis said, reclining back even further in her chair. She was waiting with Regina for Cady to finish whatever after school math project she had, so that they could carpool home. Except 10 minutes had turned into 15, then 25, and now it was slowly edging into 30.

They had already talked about the upcoming physics test, Karen’s new haircut, and had moved onto college. Janis was bored out of her mind.

Regina looked over at her, her seat already reclined the lowest it could go, “this is so much waiting.”

Janis yawned, “we could nap?” 

“No thanks.”

Janis looked out the window, the early spring rain pouring down from the sky. “Jump in some puddles?” she questioned with a slight grin.

“Jump in what? No way, that’s so… juvenile,” Regina said with a scoff. 

“Come on! I have extra clothes in my bag from art class, so even if we got soaked it wouldn’t be too bad.”

“And what if Cady finishes early?” 

“First of all, Cady has yet to finish early or even on time actually, so I think we’re in the clear. Secondly, do you really think Cady wouldn’t be interested in jumping in puddles with us? _Cady_. Think about it.”

Regina sighed, “okay, fine. But I’m not getting soaked and if these jeans get anywhere near wet, I’ll murder you.”

“Yes!”

(Her jeans did get soaked, along with the rest of her clothes. Janis wasn’t quite sure how she fet about seeing Regina in her old, paint splattered flannel with wet hair sticking to her face and no makeup, laughing as Cady stared at them in surprise.)

— — —

“Hey, you okay?”

They were in the thick of girls’ night at Gretchen’s, celebrating Cady’s acceptance letter from Northwestern. Aaron had already gotten into the biology school, so it was only fitting Cady got into the engineering school. It was late, the clock read 2 PM, everyone else was asleep, and the muted television bathed the darkened room in an odd, hazy blue. Leftover bowls of popcorn sat on the coffee table and paper plates were scattered around the floor.

Regina winced, sitting up from her spot on the couch. She waved her off, “I’m fine, just my back.”

Janis fumbled with her sweatshirt ties, the two wine coolers she’d snagged from Karen wearing off. “Can I help?”

“No, don’t worry about it.” Regina shifted again and this time Janis could see the grimace on her face, even in the darkened room.

“Come on ‘Gina, let me help.” 

If Regina was thrown off by the use of her childhood nickname, she hid it well. “I’m fine, Janis,” she retorted, a hint of frustration creeping into her voice. She swore softly as she pushed herself up using the couch, swaying ever so slightly.

Janis stood up from her spot on the floor, nearly tripping over a pile of throw pillows. “Shit, Regina just sit down. What do you need?” 

Regina glared at her before giving in and resettling back into her spot on the couch, “fine. I have some painkillers in my bag, it’s by the table.” 

Janis brought her the bottle, along with a glass of water. “See, was that so hard?”

“Whatever,” Regina mumbled, rolling over to go back to sleep.

The couch squeaked as Janis laid awake in the darkness, the light from the upstairs peeking around the staircase.

She watched the shadows from cars passing down the street, as they danced across the walls. Janis drifted off eventually, her eyelids growing heavy as she listened to Regina’s breathing growing deeper and deeper.

— — —

She heard the music first, the bass thumping through the open door and windows. Damian pulled the car up to the curb, gravel crunching underneath the tires.

“You ready?” He asked, pocketing the keys as the car locked with a obnoxious beeping.

Janis stared up at the George’s sprawling house, trying to remember the last time she’d been to a party here.

7th grade sleepover. Pink sleeping bags tossed across Regina’s floor. Truth or dare. Pancakes in the morning. Syrup sticky on her hands.

Mrs. George waving goodbye from the front door.

She shook her head softly, plastering a large grin on her face as she turned back towards Damian.

“Hell yeah!” She whooped, throwing her hands in the air and all but running to the door. She was already past buzzed, having tossed back a few shots of something hard that burned going down, swiped from Damian’s mom when she was getting ready at his house. 

She wasn’t oblivious though, the alcohol only quelled whatever emotions had been simmering to the surface for the past weeks, it wasn’t enough to erase them.

Janis could fake it though, like she’d faked everything else last year. She could throw herself into a tight dress, shove a smile onto her face, and later, she could act like she was so wasted she forgot the entire night. She could even fake herself out, telling herself it was nothing, it was empty glances and mistaken touches.

She hadn’t been hungry for a long time, but lately, she was hungry for knowledge. Hungry to know what was going on, to understand if what she thought was happening really was.

— 

“Cady!!” Janis ran up to her friend, hugging her hard enough to spill her drink.

She laughed her way through an apology as Cady turned around, her eyes widening as she looked Janis over. 

“Janis? Are you alright?” Cady asked and for a second Janis wished she was sober enough to make the choice to drive away from the party and she could cry in the passenger seat of Cady’s car and spill her feelings as fast as her tears.

She giggled again, frighteningly aware that she wasn’t sure if it was on her own accord or the wine that was starting to sink in. “I’m so good, Cady, so _fucking_ good,” she said, drawing out the vowels until they were obnoxiously long.

“Janis, hold on a second—“

Cady was too late, Janis had already lost herself in the crowd, cup clenched tightly in her hand as she stepped backwards into the mob of dancing bodies.

—

Shane had half a joint from someone on the baseball team so she took a few hits, washing it down with another cup of whatever Kevin was throwing together in the kitchen. She could feel Damian and Cady looking at her from across the room, their concern burning hot on her neck. She pointedly looked away from them and avoided any flashes of pink she saw in the crowd.

The basement was loud and bright; christmas lights were strung up half-hazardly and the air was hot. Sweaty and smoky, it had an otherworldly feel and Janis felt like she was having an out-of-body experience. The lights flashed on and off, casting edgy shadows on the dancers. She edged her way into the crowd, hyperaware of other people’s elbows knocking into her sides, their hair swinging into her face. She threw her hands up, sloshing half of her drink onto the floor, her bare feet sliding in the sticky liquid.

The room tilted for a second and Janis made the mistake of shaking her head, only making it worse. Suddenly she was too hot, the bodies pressed up against her too close. She pushed her way through the crowd, gripping the railing tightly as she made her way up the stairs. 

Janis stepped outside, sneaking out onto the back porch through the crowd. She could see her breath in the late night air, making little white puffs against the sky. 

“Cold?” 

Janis knew she should be, but the drinks coursing through her warmed her up. She shivered nonetheless in her thin dress, leaning heavily against the deck railing, “not really.”

“Wanna a coat?”

Janis sighed, turning around as she spoke, “what do you want Regina?” The music flooded out of the open windows and she could feel a headache coming on.

Regina twisted her necklace around in a memorizing pattern, the silver flashing between her fingers. “Damian and Cady wanted me to check on you.”

Janis opened her mouth to speak but Regina beat her to it, “yes, I know you’re fine and not a child,” she said, an edge of sarcasm to her response. “That’s why I’m heading back inside and telling them you’re fine out here by yourself.”

Janis just nodded, noticing her light pink dress for the first time. Her bare feet stung on the wet wood. Regina looked back at her as she slid the door open, her voice softer, “you are fine out here by yourself, right?”

“Yeah,” Janis cleared her throat, scrubbing a hand across her face, “thanks.”

—

“Janis, shit, come on.”

“Damn man, she passed out hard.”

“How much did she drink?”

She opened her eyes, the ceiling blurring above her. “Fuck.”

“Janis?” Cady leaned over her, shooing away the rest of the crowd that had gathered. “Are you okay?”

She sat up, the coat draped around her shoulders sliding off. The headache hit her full force and she bit back a whimper. “Yeah, I think so. What happened?”

Damian wrapped the coat back around her, trying and failing to hide the disappointment in his voice, “you passed out outside. You’re lucky Gretchen found you. How much did you drink, Janis?”

That explained her soaking wet dress and the fact that she was leaning up against Regina’s kitchen cabinets, the metal handles digging into her back. “Uh, too much?” she tried. Cady held a half filled garbage bag in one hand and a stack of empty cups in the other. Janis guessed the party was over. She frowned, wondering if she could sit here and lie straight faced.

“ _Janis_.”

“A lot, okay? And now I feel shitty and the party’s over and it’s all my fault and—“ she started to cry, suddenly finding her cheeks wet with tears.

Damian immediately looked guilty and Cady rushed to comfort her, but it wasn’t until Regina appeared that she felt like she could calm down, cheeks flushed due to embarrassment and the buzz that still lingered from Kevin’s jungle juice.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she waved them off, but Regina was undeterred, her face oddly blank.

“It doesn’t matter because you’re staying here tonight anyway.”

—

While Janis was being carried in from outside, hoisted over Shane’s shoulder like a small child, Regina was coordinating with Cady and Damian. Her argument was that Janis’s mom would kill her if she came home like that and apparently Damian and Cady had the nerve to agree with her.

Janis pleaded with them, but it wasn’t enough. They had math competitions and dress rehearsals to get to the next day. Janis had nothing scheduled, which meant she could sleep off the worst of her inevitable hangover at Regina’s and get home before her mom even suspected a thing.

Cady hugged her goodbye before Damian drove her home. She gave Regina some sort of pointed look that Janis wasn’t even going to try to decipher, instead finding the nearest place she could sit down on.

She sat on the couch, nursing a tall glass of water and tried to be helpful. Which meant she pointed out every piece of trash Regina missed while cleaning up. She must have fallen asleep between pointing out the singular popcorn kernel on the carpet and the empty Fanta can next to the mantle, because she woke up to Regina hovering over her.

She buried her face into a uncomfortable throw pillow, muffling her words, “I’m tired.”

“Yeah, me too. Come on, time for bed,” Regina held out her hand like she was a mother, coaxing a small child to bed.

Janis shuffled up the stairs, too tired to remember the last time she’d been in Regina’s bedroom. It had changed since middle school, lighter pink walls and grey accents that made it look like something out of a pottery barn teen catalog.

She perched herself on Regina’s bed, blinking as she looked around in a dazed way. “I don’t have any pajamas.”

“I know,” Regina handed her a stack of clothes and went into the bathroom.

Janis unzipped her dress, shimmying it off as she put on the shorts and t-shirt Regina picked out. The bathroom door opened quietly and light seeped out, illuminating Regina’s shadow on the wall.

Janis yawned, as Regina turned off the lights, leaving only the light from her alarm clock to illuminate the room. Janis gestured with her hands towards the bed, already climbing underneath the sheets, “is this fine?”

“It’s like 3 am and you’re literally about to pass out, I honestly could care less if we shared a bed at this point,” Regina retorted, her voice groggy as she turned away from Janis, the sheets rustling underneath her.

“Okay,” Janis said, a few beats later when she was already half a sleep. 

— — —

“I’m _never_ doing that again,” Janis complained, dry-swallowing the aspirin Regina handed her.

“What? Getting black out drunk and passing out in the rain?” Regina teased, prompting a shove from Janis. “Hey! I’m just saying!”

“Yeah, well don’t,” Janis said, unfurling herself from the sheets she’d tangled herself in last night. She stretched down to touch her toes, her shirt riding up and exposing a sliver of her midriff. Her feet were cold on the wood floor and when she looked up Regina was staring at her, her cheeks pink.

“Sorry,” Regina apologized, like she didn’t really mean it at all. She cleared her throat, “your dress is in the wash, but I grabbed some of my clothes that might fit you.”

“Okay. Thanks,” Janis said, holding up a pair of joggers that looked like they might actually fit. She changed in the bathroom, wincing at the mess her hair had become overnight. “Can we get coffee on the way home?” she asked while slipping out of the bathroom.

Regina looked up, setting her phone down on her desk, “yeah, sure. Your dress is almost out of the dryer and then we can head out.”

“Thanks again,” Janis said, watching as Regina stood up, her desk chair spinning in lazy circles in her absence. The blonde stepped closer, her bare feet almost touching Janis’s. She lifted a hand, her breath hot on Janis’s face and for a second she thought maybe—

“What’s that?”

“Oh, uh, just a scar.”

“No, I mean what’s it from?”

Regina’s fingers trailed over Janis’s arm. “It’s stupid,” she said, because it was, in a way.

“I’m sure it’s not.” 

“It is,” Janis said, her voice tight, hands clenched at her sides. “Just an accident.” She looked up, wondering if Regina knew she had a little bit of mascara smeared underneath her left eye, the black smudge popping against her blue eyes. 

Janis was thinking about blue skies, wet dress, oceans, bare feet and coffees, so she was taken aback when Regina forced her to think about something else. More specifically, the way her hand brushed her cheek, warm, and the way Regina’s lips pressed against hers, soft. 

She leaned in, if only for a second.

Warm, soft. Blue. Coffee. One second. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting & always, thanks for reading! Comments, questions, prompts & etc make my day!
> 
> (p.s I'm on tumblr @Jennb55, come say hi!)


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